CHEEP CHEEP

Tweet of the day- from Heidi Montag of course:

" I have never felt sexier, happier, or more amazing in my own skin. I truly look the way I have always dreamed, I love America and freedom!"

Hooray for FREEDOM!!

It's always a fashion show- it's Jersey!

I feel like I am the only person under the age of 37 who watches the Real Housewives franchises. The New Jersey Housewives started on Monday and I forced Brett to watch it with me- the first episode was a little less dramatic than most of the Jersey episodes from last season and about halfway through this episode Brett informed our dog that "it's just like a boring episode of the Sopranos."

At the end of the episode, after they showed the 2 minute preview of the season, Brett corrected himself and told the dog "it's JUST like an episode of the Sopranos!" Now THAT'S a ringing endorsement. It's going to be a good one.

Sweet Nov...May!

Now, this is just a rumor but who saw this coming? Oh, if you can't tell (cause I couldn't right away) it's Charlize and Keanu Reeves!

The rest is almost written...

So Alli and I watched The Hills premiere at the same time last night, and I have to say, I was horrified/depressed/amused/bored. They did an awesome job of not showing Heidi 10.0's face until she got home (while she was packing they only showed the back of her head or her hair falling forward) and when she got home they made a point of showing old family photos. I have my differences with that girl but now that I've seen what she's become, it just makes me sad to remember--she used to be cute and fun and vapid in an endearing kind of way. And now she's just sad and plastic. And when we finally saw her face even though I've seen it I will wanted to throw up in my mouth. And her poor mother's reaction was just heartbreaking. I mean what happened to her? Did fame screw her up? Money? Spencer? The need for more attention? Augh. It was so awkward.

Oh and Kristen is so on drugs, and Lo finally made the credits. Go team!

An open letter to...Jesse James

Dear Jesse James,

Hey, you do realize that you're like dunzo now, right? Yeah? OK, just checking.

Peace out forever!
alison.

Oh, Courtney.

I think back to the days when I hearted Courtney Love and now she's just such a mess. Not even a hott mess, just a regular one. Now apparently she went on Howard Stern's show claiming that she used to have sex with Gavin Rossdale while he's been with Gwen and that Gwen knew about it. Now, I'm not sure who to Really? Really? here: Courtney for running her mouth and making up sh**, OR god forbid it were true Gavin for being the biggest d-bag in the world (next to Jesse James, of course) cause who would cheat on Gwen Stefani? ESPECIALLY with Courtney Love, of all people. So instead I'm just going to issue my new favorite saying: Good luck with that.

I still miss Lauren.

So I didn't watch the last season of The Hills, and it was subsequently canceled, thus believing I have made my point I decided that I can safely go ahead and watch the last season. Or attempt to watch it, anyway. I mean the previews where Heidi's poor mother has to deal with her frozen-faced daughter who has basketballs for breasts make it look too good to pass up. So to prep, I watched the last episode of the season 5. Let me catch you up on what apparently happened this season:

First of all I saw Lo once and Stephanie not at all. I did get to see Stacey the Bartender who sadly did not use my fav catchphrase of hers, "Good Luck With That." I did get to see her act like she and Kristen go waaaay back which I'm going to go ahead and highly doubt. I also got to see Audrina's hat make a cameo and watch her have yet another "Really this time I'm done with you" conversation with Justin, in which she informs him he's going to grow to be a lonely old man. This, shockingly, gets Justin to think. In the beginning of the episode he attempts to solidify his relationship with Kristin, who brutally rebuffys him then tells Stacey she just can't commit and maybe it's because she fears getting divorced just like her parents. Babycrier, you don't see me going around saying I fear commitment cause I might die like my mom eventually! Sheesh. Get a better excuse then your parents, sisterfriend. If we all didn't commit cause we were afraid of divorce, I'd have way more options on the market to not commit to, moving on.

So then we got to "Taylor's Engagement Party." Who the F is Taylor? Sleazy T, my friends, the original Edward Norton look-a-like! Only now he apparently is engaged so we have to call him by his real name. At the party Jayde of course pressures Brody to move in with her (it would appear over the course of the season they broke up and got back together). The next time we see Brody he informs Frankie and Slea---I mean Taylor that he is now dunzo again with Jayde. Frankie and T then proceed to try and remember the order of girlfriends before Jayde ("It was Cora then Jayde." "No, it was Olivia then Cora then Jayde." "No, wait there was..." You get the idea). Brody's response? To reveal he may still have feelings for Kristen...

...who ends the show by going back on what she previously said to Justin who comes back to make a bid for her love again. And she falls for it! She falls for his assurance that it will work this time because she has His Word. Please! We all know how far the word of Justin Bobby goes!

Oh and then Spencer says that Heidi kidnapped his sperm then by the end of the episode decides he's cool with having babies. So basically the episode started with everything one way then ended with it another. So we're all caught up! Let the end begin!

WTF

Was this a dare or are we trying to appear "cool" at Coachella?

WTF?

I think I'm gonna start doing "WTF" posts with pictures that I cannot describe with mere words. Consider my last post on Heidi WTF numero uno!

This hurts my heart a little...

Oh, Ava!

Last night on Kell on Earth, Kelly Cutrone and her sassy cute daughter Ava were chilling together when Kelly's mom called and told the girls she was on her way to Wal-Mart. Naturally since Kelly and Ava are awesome they chastised Grandma for this. After the call, Ava announced, "I can't believe mom is going to Wal-Mart...the enemy of Target."

I love kids.

Why do I care when I don't even watch anymore?

OK, are you ready? You have to be able to concentrate because there are many layers here. Right, so, recently Heidi landed a small role in an upcoming Adam Sandler/Nicole Kidman film. Normally Spencer is her manager but apparently she has fired him and instead hired her psychic, who will now be making all her career decisions. Spencer claimed he had plans of his own anyway: taking a break from filming The Hills to join the fight on cyberterrorism. According to Fox News, he told People mag that "upon learning of President Obama's declaration that the 'cyber threat is one of the most serious economic and national security challenges we face as a nation,' I have decided to refocus my energy and devote my full resources to helping America face this and other unprecedented challenges. My new mission is this: To do my part in maintaining the technological superiority of the U.S. military and prevent emerging technologies from threatening our nation's security." Oooo, not so fast, Fox News! We should have known it was too bad to be true when it was such a well-worded quote. So what's the truth? The truth, folks, is that Spencer is taking a break from The Hills because, ah, he was told to do so. Apparently the aspiring Cyber Terrorism Superhero got so irate at a producer for the show that he informed her he should kill her for asking him to do something he apparently didn't want to do. So, in review: Spencer is lying about fighting terrorism to cover up that he's actually in anger management and his wife is taking career advice from a psychic. Did we get all of that?

Oh yes, one more thing: per the psychic, they are no longer to be called Speidi but by their actual names. Which I believe are DoucheMonster and PlasticLady.

the Globes at the Oscars

Here's an Oscar dress that didn't get enough attention and may I say, "Oh my!" Where did those gals come from? She looks smokin'.

And then there was one

Corey Haim died of what appears to be (sigh) an accidental drug overdose. Of course that's what he died of! Oh Corey. You deserved better then to go out the way we figured you would. He was 38 and best known for the overlooked show The 2 Coreys which included an intervention on Haim by the other Corey, Todd Bridges, and Pauly Shore. It was actually a really weird show, the first season was sitcom-y and the second took a bit of a dark turn. I liked it anyway. And let's face it, I have awesome taste.

Peace out, Corey. The world will not be nearly as cool with only one of you around.

Micro-blogging on the Oscars.

Batgirl and That Girl watching the Oscars together- updating as necessary sans pictures:

- Kathryn Bigelow (Male Gigolo)- total Mother of the Bride (MOB) dress and she needs to invest in Spanx

- Charlize Theron- Charplease that dress is awful

-George Clooney is verging on Trump hair.

- Jennifer Lopez's ass is so big it needs its own tent- BLOG IT! (Brett)

- Heath Ledger isn't going to present this year- thanks for pointing that out, E! Batgirl was pretty sure they were going to do a Futurama thing and just have his head.

- "If fashion were porn, this dress would be the money shot!" Gaby Sidibe (Precious) on her dress

- We are pretty sure that Kathy Ireland is selling tents- she is really highlighting the benefits of the wonderful tent that reaches all the way down the red carpet- fantastic!

- (On the Oscar's salute to horror films) Alison: Twilight is NOT a horror film! Kate: I'm horrified that it's popular! Brett: BLOG IT!

No idea how this will work

Apparently there's going to be a Smurfs movie. And it's got itself a star. None other than...Neil Patrick Harris!

Bleak Hole (get it?)

I was intrigued to read online that Hole is getting back together. Of course as a tortured Catholic high school girl I was all about Hole and Courtney Love. I never got to see them play live, though I was supposed to when they toured with Marilyn Manson. Shockingly the tour broke up by the time it would have come to Minneapolis. Who could have foreseen that! Anyway when I read this news my first thought was what kind of voodoo did she perform on the former members to get them to agree to that. The answer is...none of them are actually in on the reunion! It's JUST HER and some other random dudes she probably picked up on the emo street corner. It's just her and her new solo album which apparently is so rockin' that it needs to carry that Hole label. Eric Erlandson, the only other member besides Love who was in every line-up of the band prior to this, is insisting that she just can't slap Hole's name on it as he owns some of the domain. Love, of course, is insisting that she can. And someting about Melissa auf du Mar being really confused, but nobody cares about her.

Maybe it's just me, but I am of the correct opinioin that it DOES NOT COUNT as a reunion unless it's like 80% of the original band. Seriously, one original member? Even if that original member is so larger then life and f'ed up that one would almost count them as several people, still no. I'm not falling for it! Doesn't count as Hole. The end.

Just thought this was cool

I read an article about an artist named Mike Stilkey who paints on piles of books.

Maybe this is what I should do with the piles growing around my book shelf...

I would gladly go to Kell

So, last nite on Kell on Earth, the office deadbeats finally got the boot, leaving Andrew the Goth Gay assistant to hire someone while Kelly was in London reuniting with Baby Daddy. Andrew thinks he's found the perfect person...then Stephanie decides to randomly check out Twitter and finds out that the perfect new hire was Tweeting about the entire thing! Mentioning she's joining the cast! Needless to say, her job offer was revoked. Seriously, how dumb are you? Oh I was laughing. It almost topped last week when one minute Kell was chewing out an intern and the next she was talking to his mom in Northern Ireland saying what a good job he was doing while he sat next to her looking embarassed that his boss was talking to his mom.

P.S. Kell never liked Jay, BTW. She "couldn't stand his overbite and his accent, they drove me crazy." She was equally unimpressed when her daugther Ava who was 7 at the time found on the interent that his real name isn't Jay. Way more savvy then me at 7. Oh, Cutrones, you own a part of my heart.

My heart skips a beat...

Oh, I swooned when I saw these. Apparently the pair ran into each other at an Elle event in London. Don't you just love it?! Now, squint your eyes, pretend it's a boiler room...or Liberty High's hallowed halls...sigh. Or something.