Really? the Home Alone edition

A British tabloid is claiming that the sperm donor of Prince Michael the 2nd--you may know him as "Blanket"--is none other than...Macaulay Culkin.

Wow. Good luck with that one, British tabloid!

An open letter to...Chris Brown.

Dear Chris Brown,

It has come to my attention that since you've been sentenced, you now feel it is appropriate to go running your mouth to media outlets to try and salvage your career, like telling People mag that you still still love Rhianna and Larry King that you were shocked to read the details of the police report because you're not that person and furthermore, you don't even remember doing what you did. It has also come to my attention that you are dunzo and I have 4 words for you:
1. Shut.
2. The.
3. F***.
4. Up.

Buh bye.
alison.

I couldn't have done better. It was miraculous.

I stopped reading Perez Hilton's main site a few months ago because of the trash (and mean words) it was feeding my brain, but I went back to it today knowing it would have the latest updates on DJ AM's death. After I read the sad details of course I proceeded to keep scrolling down and down and down and...well I read a few pages. One story that caught my eye was of course about Heidi Montag. Apparently Anderson Cooper had some choice criticisms about her recent performance and her reply to his comments was as follows: "I am so incredibly flattered that he's talking about the first performance I've ever done, that he's talking about me, that he knows who I am. Who gets on CNN? Britney, when she shaved her head, gets on CNN. That's all that matters: Heidi, CNN, Anderson Cooper. Done."

Wait, did she just liken her performance to that of Britney's clear mental breakdown?

Perez noticed the same thing I did and said, " It's true! Heidi's performance was reminiscent of some sort of breakdown!" After she also threw in a "Praise God." Perez also noted that, "God should not be held responsible!"

I always knew there was a reason I liked him. He's just gotta be mean only to the people that I don't like and maybe I'd read him again.

(p.s. yes, the title of this entry was also a Heidi quote about her performance)

Call an exorcist!

I hate to give too much attention to Speidi but they just keep coming up with such genius things. Such as Spencer going on the radio to hail Heidi as the "new, modern day, 2010 Michael Jackson." When the DJ politely reminded Spencer that Michael Jackson is now dead, Spencer just spun it to his advantage, of course:

"Yeah, but here it is, it's living, like the Holy Spirit. Like, Michael Jackson's in heaven. The Holy Spirit now has Michael Jackson juice, so boom! For all we know, Heidi gets possessed with Michael Jackson's divine spirit."

"So Heidi is the new Michael Jackson?"

"Oh, way bigger."
Spence, you leave even me speechless sometimes.

I really just couldn't NOT post this

Quick run down: I found this video via Twitter. Apparently the girl from the Hills aftershow went out clubbing with Heidi and Spencer after her awful Miss Whatever pageant performance. Take note of after show girl's face and the fact that Heidi sings to herself in the mirror while lap dancing Spencer...



The Hills new season a starts Sept. 29th (Lo's birthday)(I found that out on Twitter too)

Musings on the Jackson kids

Paris Jackson just got her first haircut. She's 11 years old. I thought that seemed a little odd. Don't worry, they swept up all the hair so she could keep it. Or keep it out of the clutches of people who like to collect famous hair, I guess.

Here's the thing that bothered me reading about it (besides being baffled that she got her first haircut at 11): the fact that I was reading about it. Just as I predicted (to myself, probably, maybe I'll start going around making my predictions aloud at random times, with my finger in the air like I'm testing the wind), since his death we're suddenly hearing info about his kids, whereas before we NEVER heard anything about them (we'll leave that little window dangling incident out), and I have to say I always admired that about Mr. Jackson. In fact I admire any celeb who purposely keeps their kids out of sight. And now that he's dead and his fam has the kids, are we going to start hearing more and more about them? Somehow I have to wonder if what he would think about that or if that's what he wants for them.

This just in! I predict...that she will probably get haircuts more regularly now. Let's just let her get them without the world knowing, shall we? (She also got her nails painted green to match the limos at the Palms.)

So many stars!

The new cast of Dancing with the Stars has been revealed. It includes such illustrious stars as Macy Gray, Melissa Joan Hart, Mya, Donny Osmund, and Kelly Osbourne. Hey there, ABC! Don't get crazy casting those stars! You're really outdone yourself here. Really.

Oh! Wait! I saved the best for last!...


...Aaron Carter.
Really? Really!

Twins!

I would just like to share with you all that this cardigan that Lilo is wearing also happens to be the exact same cardigan that I own.

That is all.

Yes I stole the pic from CocoPerez

Is Andre moving to Hogwarts?! What the name of all the is fashion is this! Take note of the shoes.

Julia Stiles Styles

Fist Bump Part Two

Ok there aren't actual fist bumps in the excerpt I read of Heidi's Playboy interview. There are however two parts I wanted you to read so you could gag with me:

On other women: “If they aren’t hating on you, then you’re not doing anything right. If women aren’t jealous of you, talking about you and cutting you down, then you’re a nerd, and I would never want to be that.”

On MORE plastic surgery: “I plan to get a few more upgrades. … I’m sure as I get older I’ll need some touch-ups. I’m definitely not done with my surgical quest. I think I want to go bigger on my boobs for [Spencer]. … Let’s do [another Playboy photo shoot] again when I get the upgrades.”


Please dear God, let this be edited to make her sound more ridiculous than she is. Oh did I mention that I heard her on the radio the yesterday talking about nudity and religion. She said something to the point of God created the body, bodies are beautiful especially after working out so much, and God wouldn't mind. Then she added this gem: "I'm not religious. I'm Christian." Gah! Maybe the article wasn't edited much...

Gather round, everyone!

Project Runway's triumphant return is tomorrow, and to celebrate our beloved Mr. Gunn was the guest on tonite's Daily Show. So good to see him again! He's so elegant and poised in his responses to everything! The two highlights for me were:

1. Jon Stewart inquiring if the network switch meant that catchphrases had to change, like instead of Heidi saying "One day you are in, the next day you are out" had to be changed to something like "One day you are in, the next day not so in."

2. Tim discussing in his awesome deadpan demeanor how terrible the beautiful weather in L.A. was. And how it would become overcast and rain a little and suddenly the news would blare "Rainstorm 2008." This is funny because it is true. The minute the weather does something beyond be sunny and gorgeous in L.A. the local news immediately acts like everyone is going to die and then people drive like they've never seen rain before in their life.

Super sperm?

Lil Wayne is going to be a daddy!
Lil Wayne is going to be a daddy!

Is it a typo, you may ask, me repeating this sentence? Why, no. Lil Wayne is, in fact, now expecting TWO babies. Busy man!

In other news, Lil Wayne and ladies of the world that are sleeping with Lil Wayne, there are some awesome new inventions sweeping the nation. We call them birth control and condoms. You should look into them.

Seriously, just figure it out, people

Robin Wright-Penn filed for divorce from Sean Penn. Do I believe they will actually get divorced this time? Frankly, no. As I am sure my opinion will weigh heavily in if it actually goes down, I just wanted to put it out there. Don't believe you, Wright-Penns! Good luck with that!

Guess who the person on the left is...

Fist bump: The meaningful glances of D-bags

Like all of you, I was mostly nauseous after hearing the amazing details of the Speidi interview in Playboy (side note- when is the last time Heidi has done ANYTHING without Spencer? 1996?). Clearly Heidi is delusional and confused about, well, a lot. Checking through Perez, I saw a link to the article and I wanted to see if maybe the full article would redeem Mrs. Pratt. Yeah, no. It didn't.

I read about 3 exchanges between Heidi and Spencer (what a great interviewer, really) and felt the familiar rise of bile in my throat. BUT WAIT- the best (worst) part- there are several times in the article that this happens:

Spencer: Heidi, you are so amazing and brainwashed by my flesh beard

Heidi: You are the best thing that has ever happened in my whole life ever including being born and purchasing my "upgrades."

[several fist bumps]

WHAT? Yes. Speidi or Playboy or whoever transcribed this piece of cutting-edge journalism felt the need to put in EVERY SINGLE "fist bump" the couple exchanges. First- fist bumps? Second- transcribed fist bumps? I really don't think it would take away from the mood or intentions of the article to leave out all of the [fist bump]s.

Really, Playboy? You gotta get those girls next door back. STAT.

I'll take it!

According to the Glamour magazine health blog there are some junk foods that are surprisingly good for us. Here a few:

1. Blue M&Ms. Strangely, they contain an ingredient (a certain dye) that may help people suffering from spinal chord injuries. Who knew?

2. Guinness: Researchers believe it could improve blood circulation.

3. Cheez Whiz: It contains conjugated linoleic acid, which research has shown may contain anti-carcinogenic properties, as well as a possible effective antioxidant.

A nice tribute

Here's the trailer for The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus, Heath Ledger's last film. He finished half of it and then they brought in Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell and Jude Law to share the remainder of the role. I think it looks pretty enjoyable.

Meggings

I keep seeing this picture on different fashion blogs and every article that accompanies it is about how horrible this new trend of leggings for men are. Now, I'm not sure I'd want to see the average shmo walking around in full length leggings, but I think these dudes look kinda cool and a little grunge. Actually I could totally see JustinBobby wearing an outfit like this...Thoughts?

Where you Lead...

Alexis Bledel was on tonight's Teen Choice Awards. I didn't actually watch but I saw the picture and I wanted to show everyone how pretty she looked. That is all.

Proposal

If you live with or hang around me enough you'll know my penchant for uttering the phrase "Google it" in response to any question. I also of course have a distinct way of saying it (Kate can confirm) which I only wish I could include here. (I will tell you "google" comes out more like "guggle" and the words run together.) So, my new stroke of genius is to take my love of Wikipedia (my general course of action for famous people/movies is Google, IMDB, and Wikipedia, not necessarily in that order) to the next level and make a catchphrase for that as well. What better way to do this then to combine it with my love of rap sounds effects? Imagine this: you ask me a question, and instead of wasting my time with cumbersome phrase "Look it up on Wikipedia," I respond "Wiki-wiki!" You know, like the sound people make when they're imitating a record skipping! Get it? Get it?

I spent a lot of time by myself today, OK?

Just don't show up at my door, Wal-Mart!

A woman whose daughter is a Girl Scout is claiming that Wal-Mart is introducing a new line of cookies that are direct knock offs of the Thin Mints and Tagalongs that are the most popular of the Girl Scout cookies. This article talks more about it. Brand knockoffs are one thing, and the original itself still generally exists (take Oreo and Hydrox, or generic store brands of everything) but going after Girl Scouts? If this is in fact true, Wal-Mart, it's also in fact lame. Furthermore if you start having in-store Pinewood Derbys, we'll know what you really think of the organizations for the children of America.

Not the girl next door

Here is Heidi's Playboy cover. Maybe it's just me, but I think it looks a little ridic. (Note: This is my new shorthand for ridiculous.) What I much prefer is Lauren's brilliant response to why Heidi may have posed for the photos showcasing her many enhancements: "They're not going to pay for themselves."

Speaking of which wouldn't such a Jesus freak shun plastic surgery? Did it occur to you that God wanted you to have normal-sized lips, Heid, as opposed to the pillow pout you're sportin' now? Hey, pillows, that reminds me of--OK, I'm done. Although I think Carrie's mom said it best, especially here, with the famous phrase "dirty pillows." OK, now I'm done.

Maybe only I'll find this interesting...

As an ex cake decorator I find myself looking at other people's cakes and totally making fun of them when they are horrible. I stumbled on the perfect website if you'd like to join me!

Really? the tv show question edition

I have a question that has been bothering me for quite some time and I must now pose it...

Really, how many TV shows do their need to be that revolve around hospitals, cops, and law firms? Really? I mean, really?

Ok, I feel sort of better. But not really, really.


(This does not include Scrubs, per Mick's request.)

America: Heads up!

All right, people, we have an issue on our hands here: Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme is about to be released from prison. What? You don't know who that is? Two words: Charlie Manson. Two more: Gerald Ford. She faithfully followed one and pulled a gun on the other! I'll let you figure out which which is which.

Of course when she pulled the gun on Ford there wasn't a bullet in the chamber. And she was doing it to call attention to the plight of the redwoods. She even wore a nice red robe when she went! She also apparently once tried to get a hold of Jimmy Page to warn him of the eeeevil she foresaw in his future.

Oh, and she was supposed to get out last year but then they remembered she needed to serve another year for that time she escaped from prison cause she heard Charlie had testicular cancer. Of course she forgot to actually leave the state as she was found near the prison a few days later. So she's not the brightest bulb! Who cares! What better way to mark the 40th anniversary of the Manson fam murder spree?

In conclusion, be careful. Who knows if she's still hopelessly devoted to Charlie or planning to pull a weapon on anyone else to save the trees. Also, look at her. Girlfriend looks like an elf from the wrong side of the tracks. (I've included an old picture and a more recent one so you can recognize her when she comes to your house.)

Peace out, John

John Hughes died from a heart attack today. I had to recognize the man who brought me Molly Ringwald in all her 80's glory. The man was a high school staple.

No. Just...no.

Well, I don't really know what to say. I mean, sure, comedy is subversive or controversial or something. Sure, OK, there's something ironic and funny about Roseanne as Hitler in drag pulling Jewish gingerbread people out of an oven...Nope, nope, not getting it. Not even trying too hard.

Did I mention it's on the cover of something called Heeb, the magazine for young Jewish intellectuals? Yeah, still not getting it.

Ins and outs of judges

American Idol: Paula Abdul--Out!

ANTM guest judges: Lauren Conrad and Kim Kardishian--In!

This has been your reality show judging update.

Listen all ya'll

So MTV released the noms for this year's video awards (hosted again by Russell Brand, here's hoping he makes more Jonas Brothers virginity jokes and someone gets needlessly offended by them for the second year in a row). I of course have seen maybe one of the videos. What interested me was the addition of a new category: Best Video (That Should Have Won a Moonman). Apparently they dug waaay back into the 80's and 90's (and a couple from this decade) to randomly pick several awesome videos that never got a VMA but should have. I kind of like this idea. And pretty much all of their picks are solid; I would be happy with any one of them winning. They are:

Beastie Boys, Sabotage
Bjork, Human behaviour
U2, Where the streets have no name
Foo Fighters, Everlong
George Micheal, Freedom
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Into the great wide open
Dre and Snoop, Nothin but a G thang
OK Go, Here it goes again
Radiohead, Karma Police
David Lee Roth, California girls*

*OK, this is the only one that does not fit with anything I said and whoever included it in this category needs a good slapping both upside the head and across the face. I would rather eat bacon then vote for this video.

Alli, do you know about this?

Apparently JT has a new movie coming out also starring The Big Lebowski. I couldn't figure out the girl in it is but according to IMDB it's Kate Mara, looks like she's mainly a tv show lady but she was in Brokeback Mountain as one of the versions of their daughters. Me, I love a good trip movie so I'm in.

Portrait of a baby-crier

So Katherine Heigl went on Letterman to baby-cry about a 17 hour day they had on the set of Grey's Anatomy. Well apparently it's coming back to bite her pretty ass--people from the set have snitched that it was because the studio was accomadating HER schedule (taking time from the day to promote her new movie). Ms. Heigl was hoping to embarass the show by blabbing about the looong day--ruh roh Raggy! Misfire!

I've never watched the show personally. I loved her in Knocked Up though it took away from it a bit when she babycried about how the women characters were portrayed shrewishly. Um, Kath, no one made you make the movie, FYI (although Anne Hathaway had already passed up supposedly, not liking the graphicness of the birthing scene, which is too bad because she would have been hi-larious). Babycrying gets you nowhere but labeled as a baby-crier. So, Katherine Heigl: thumbs down, pacifer in, please and peace out.

P.S. Next time you want to whine about a 17 hour day which no doubt included lounging in your trailer and having people cater to your every whim, talk to someone who actually works an actual 17 hour day, on their feet--I suspect you could start with some of the workers on the set of your horrible, mean little show. I am also available for comment and will happily tell you about the time I woke up at 8 in the morning and got home shortly after 1 AM to chase teenage girls around Disneyland on Christmas Day for non-holiday pay since I was still in the 3 month probation period. Check...MATE.

Kate plus 8

I found myself bored tonight so I picked up my new US Weekly and of course it reminded me that tonight was the big comeback of Jon and Kate Plus 8 after their post split hiatus. I didn't think I'd be watching the show but as I said, I was bored and therefore gave in and you know what I totally enjoyed myself. After the episode I popped onto the internet and found this in my US Weekly daily e-mail.


I have a feeling we'll be seeing a lot of these this year. Eh well it gives girls another option to slutty (insert anything here) (that's what she said.)

A famine in smiles