I feel like I am the only person under the age of 37 who watches the Real Housewives franchises. The New Jersey Housewives started on Monday and I forced Brett to watch it with me- the first episode was a little less dramatic than most of the Jersey episodes from last season and about halfway through this episode Brett informed our dog that "it's just like a boring episode of the Sopranos."
At the end of the episode, after they showed the 2 minute preview of the season, Brett corrected himself and told the dog "it's JUST like an episode of the Sopranos!" Now THAT'S a ringing endorsement. It's going to be a good one.
So Alli and I watched The Hills premiere at the same time last night, and I have to say, I was horrified/depressed/amused/bored. They did an awesome job of not showing Heidi 10.0's face until she got home (while she was packing they only showed the back of her head or her hair falling forward) and when she got home they made a point of showing old family photos. I have my differences with that girl but now that I've seen what she's become, it just makes me sad to remember--she used to be cute and fun and vapid in an endearing kind of way. And now she's just sad and plastic. And when we finally saw her face even though I've seen it I will wanted to throw up in my mouth. And her poor mother's reaction was just heartbreaking. I mean what happened to her? Did fame screw her up? Money? Spencer? The need for more attention? Augh. It was so awkward.
Oh and Kristen is so on drugs, and Lo finally made the credits. Go team!
I think back to the days when I hearted Courtney Love and now she's just such a mess. Not even a hott mess, just a regular one. Now apparently she went on Howard Stern's show claiming that she used to have sex with Gavin Rossdale while he's been with Gwen and that Gwen knew about it. Now, I'm not sure who to Really? Really? here: Courtney for running her mouth and making up sh**, OR god forbid it were true Gavin for being the biggest d-bag in the world (next to Jesse James, of course) cause who would cheat on Gwen Stefani? ESPECIALLY with Courtney Love, of all people. So instead I'm just going to issue my new favorite saying: Good luck with that.
So I didn't watch the last season of The Hills, and it was subsequently canceled, thus believing I have made my point I decided that I can safely go ahead and watch the last season. Or attempt to watch it, anyway. I mean the previews where Heidi's poor mother has to deal with her frozen-faced daughter who has basketballs for breasts make it look too good to pass up. So to prep, I watched the last episode of the season 5. Let me catch you up on what apparently happened this season:
First of all I saw Lo once and Stephanie not at all. I did get to see Stacey the Bartender who sadly did not use my fav catchphrase of hers, "Good Luck With That." I did get to see her act like she and Kristen go waaaay back which I'm going to go ahead and highly doubt. I also got to see Audrina's hat make a cameo and watch her have yet another "Really this time I'm done with you" conversation with Justin, in which she informs him he's going to grow to be a lonely old man. This, shockingly, gets Justin to think. In the beginning of the episode he attempts to solidify his relationship with Kristin, who brutally rebuffys him then tells Stacey she just can't commit and maybe it's because she fears getting divorced just like her parents. Babycrier, you don't see me going around saying I fear commitment cause I might die like my mom eventually! Sheesh. Get a better excuse then your parents, sisterfriend. If we all didn't commit cause we were afraid of divorce, I'd have way more options on the market to not commit to, moving on.
So then we got to "Taylor's Engagement Party." Who the F is Taylor? Sleazy T, my friends, the original Edward Norton look-a-like! Only now he apparently is engaged so we have to call him by his real name. At the party Jayde of course pressures Brody to move in with her (it would appear over the course of the season they broke up and got back together). The next time we see Brody he informs Frankie and Slea---I mean Taylor that he is now dunzo again with Jayde. Frankie and T then proceed to try and remember the order of girlfriends before Jayde ("It was Cora then Jayde." "No, it was Olivia then Cora then Jayde." "No, wait there was..." You get the idea). Brody's response? To reveal he may still have feelings for Kristen...
...who ends the show by going back on what she previously said to Justin who comes back to make a bid for her love again. And she falls for it! She falls for his assurance that it will work this time because she has His Word. Please! We all know how far the word of Justin Bobby goes!
Oh and then Spencer says that Heidi kidnapped his sperm then by the end of the episode decides he's cool with having babies. So basically the episode started with everything one way then ended with it another. So we're all caught up! Let the end begin!
Last night on Kell on Earth, Kelly Cutrone and her sassy cute daughter Ava were chilling together when Kelly's mom called and told the girls she was on her way to Wal-Mart. Naturally since Kelly and Ava are awesome they chastised Grandma for this. After the call, Ava announced, "I can't believe mom is going to Wal-Mart...the enemy of Target."
OK, are you ready? You have to be able to concentrate because there are many layers here. Right, so, recently Heidi landed a small role in an upcoming Adam Sandler/Nicole Kidman film. Normally Spencer is her manager but apparently she has fired him and instead hired her psychic, who will now be making all her career decisions. Spencer claimed he had plans of his own anyway: taking a break from filming The Hills to join the fight on cyberterrorism. According to Fox News, he told People mag that "upon learning of President Obama's declaration that the 'cyber threat is one of the most serious economic and national security challenges we face as a nation,' I have decided to refocus my energy and devote my full resources to helping America face this and other unprecedented challenges. My new mission is this: To do my part in maintaining the technological superiority of the U.S. military and prevent emerging technologies from threatening our nation's security." Oooo, not so fast, Fox News! We should have known it was too bad to be true when it was such a well-worded quote. So what's the truth? The truth, folks, is that Spencer is taking a break from The Hills because, ah, he was told to do so. Apparently the aspiring Cyber Terrorism Superhero got so irate at a producer for the show that he informed her he should kill her for asking him to do something he apparently didn't want to do. So, in review: Spencer is lying about fighting terrorism to cover up that he's actually in anger management and his wife is taking career advice from a psychic. Did we get all of that?
Oh yes, one more thing: per the psychic, they are no longer to be called Speidi but by their actual names. Which I believe are DoucheMonster and PlasticLady.
Corey Haim died of what appears to be (sigh) an accidental drug overdose. Of course that's what he died of! Oh Corey. You deserved better then to go out the way we figured you would. He was 38 and best known for the overlooked show The 2 Coreys which included an intervention on Haim by the other Corey, Todd Bridges, and Pauly Shore. It was actually a really weird show, the first season was sitcom-y and the second took a bit of a dark turn. I liked it anyway. And let's face it, I have awesome taste.
Peace out, Corey. The world will not be nearly as cool with only one of you around.
I was intrigued to read online that Hole is getting back together. Of course as a tortured Catholic high school girl I was all about Hole and Courtney Love. I never got to see them play live, though I was supposed to when they toured with Marilyn Manson. Shockingly the tour broke up by the time it would have come to Minneapolis. Who could have foreseen that! Anyway when I read this news my first thought was what kind of voodoo did she perform on the former members to get them to agree to that. The answer is...none of them are actually in on the reunion! It's JUST HER and some other random dudes she probably picked up on the emo street corner. It's just her and her new solo album which apparently is so rockin' that it needs to carry that Hole label. Eric Erlandson, the only other member besides Love who was in every line-up of the band prior to this, is insisting that she just can't slap Hole's name on it as he owns some of the domain. Love, of course, is insisting that she can. And someting about Melissa auf du Mar being really confused, but nobody cares about her.
Maybe it's just me, but I am of the correct opinioin that it DOES NOT COUNT as a reunion unless it's like 80% of the original band. Seriously, one original member? Even if that original member is so larger then life and f'ed up that one would almost count them as several people, still no. I'm not falling for it! Doesn't count as Hole. The end.
So, last nite on Kell on Earth, the office deadbeats finally got the boot, leaving Andrew the Goth Gay assistant to hire someone while Kelly was in London reuniting with Baby Daddy. Andrew thinks he's found the perfect person...then Stephanie decides to randomly check out Twitter and finds out that the perfect new hire was Tweeting about the entire thing! Mentioning she's joining the cast! Needless to say, her job offer was revoked. Seriously, how dumb are you? Oh I was laughing. It almost topped last week when one minute Kell was chewing out an intern and the next she was talking to his mom in Northern Ireland saying what a good job he was doing while he sat next to her looking embarassed that his boss was talking to his mom.
P.S. Kell never liked Jay, BTW. She "couldn't stand his overbite and his accent, they drove me crazy." She was equally unimpressed when her daugther Ava who was 7 at the time found on the interent that his real name isn't Jay. Way more savvy then me at 7. Oh, Cutrones, you own a part of my heart.
Oh, I swooned when I saw these. Apparently the pair ran into each other at an Elle event in London. Don't you just love it?! Now, squint your eyes, pretend it's a boiler room...or Liberty High's hallowed halls...sigh. Or something.
I have been meaning to post about Project Runway for-e-ver. This season is definitely an improvement over last, contestant wise anyway. Last season was a bore. My only real complaint so far is that the challenges haven't been as, let's, see...fun. I realize not EVERY challenge can be something like design a dress out of copper wire and chicken feathers or whatnot, but still. Also, I can't stand Mila. Augh! I hate her! This week she was all, oh, last week none of the designers seemed happy for me that I came in the top 3. Know why, Mila? Cause your dress SUUUCKED. The minute I saw it I was so psyched for the judges to tear into her and use phrases like "walking Macy's bag" or "you took the stars from Chicken and Stars Soup a little too far" (it was a Campbell's challenge, OK?) and they COMPLETELY let me down! Every once in awhile it's like, I'm sorry, are we looking at the same dress? Even Mick knew it blew! Thank god she was in the bottom 3 this week. Young Biff in Back to the Future said it best: Girlfriend needs to make like a tree and get outta here.
Oh, and don't even get me started on Alexis. She has an alien face. A serious case of bug eyes. I'm all for unique beatuy but only if you have a unique personality to save it, and she has bug eyes and is a biotch. And yet the designers keep picking her! Augh! OK apparently I have more problems with this show then I thought.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again--I hate to give attention to Spencer and Heidi but they just keep puttin' themselves out there for target practice. Like when Heidi revealed that she's going to pose for Playboy again (don't worry, this time she'll take off all of her clothes!) to "show off" her "new assets." I imagine the money she makes will help fund another trip to the doctor, since she also mentions that she wants another breast enlargement: "I couldn't get them the size I wanted because they couldn't fit." I'm sorry, but what does that even mean? Couldn't fit...what? Her body? The operating room? A decent world? And why would they, ah, fit this time around? Not to be outdone in soundbite, husband Spencer's response to her assets: "My miracle I live with? I live in a miracle." Miracle my ass, her breasts can't even fit! Sheesh. P.S. repeating a word twice like that only seves to either show that a) you're trying to convince us of what you said, or b) you just learned a new word and want to show off. Miracle, that's a real vocab additon, Spence! Don't hurt yourself!
OK, I haven't gotten my March Vogue yet, but I was elated to find out today from the intranet that the cover lady is...Tina Fey! THAT is going to kick some ass. Shortly thereafter I discovered another cover for the French mag Purple. Now, normally, as we know, if there's two things I heart it's France and Lilo. But this time...well, as we say in France, no mas. (That's Spanish for no more.)
After 124 careers, Barbie has decided it's finally time to get down with computers. Meet Computer Engineer Barbie! Apparently this was the first time people voted to decide her next career and they hope it'll break down male stereotypes in the computer world. What I'd like to know is, what do those repeated numbers on her screen mean? (Maybe she hung out in a hatch for the Dharma group?)
I had the good fortune on Friday night to finally see Mason Jennings perform and, let's face it, the man is just extremely good looking. But he's also talented, of course. I about peed my skinny jeans when he opened with a cover of "Atlantic City" by Bruce Springsteen. And yes, I cried, mainly because he pulled a one-two punch and played "The Field" and "Pittsburgh" right after each other and each on their make me tear up so together, total devastation. If you too could use a good emotional moment, then by all means watch this video. I don't know if there's a place to vote for Official War Anthems but this is certainly my pick. That having been said, break out a tissue. Unless songs don't make you cry. But if this one doesn't at least stir a little something in you, then good luck with your dry black heart.
A friend of ours told Mick about this website, Sleep Talkin' Man. It's run by a woman married to a "mild-mannered English husband" who says some funny ass stuff in his sleep. I was cackling, anyway. If Mick informed me in his sleep that he wants to be a cowboy instead of a panda cause pandas are boring and stupid I know I'd be telling everybody in the free world too.
So in my Elle mag this month they did a small write-up on the Colin Firth and Julianne Moore movie A Single Man as it's by designer Tom Ford, and in the article they had a picture of an actor in it named Nicholas Hoult. I apparently didn't read the article very closely because while reading Vogue tonite, Anna Wintour mentions the movie in her editor letter and Hoult and that he was in About A Boy with Hugh Grant. Vaguely remembering his photo in Elle I thought, no way he was the little kid in that movie. Then I get to the actual article and realize, sure enough, that's him! I guess I hadn't realized it's been 8 years since then, and akward little boy grew into There's A Little Drool On My Shirt Now. ('89 birthdate so he's legal, OK?)
So Vh1 re-did the Shocking Moments in Music history countdown and I have to say, I do not understand these people. Sure, it's important to update, I get that. But what I find disturbing is whoever decides the ranking. Because apparently they think that the whole Fergie pees her pants onstage thing is more important then the death of Left Eye, because it ranked higher. Bathroom accident beats fatal car accident? Really, Vh1? Really?
For those of us Losties, this is worth carving ten minutes out of your schedule for: all the footage leading up to and the actual crash...in order. That means some split screens and definite "I don't remember that!" moments. It's pretty cool to see it all together and even though I've watched it all before I still get all nerved up. Is it February 2 yet?
I don't have much to say about the Globes this year. There were a few good speeches (Robert Downey), predictable winners (except for Hangover!), and pretty dresses. I pretty much spent the night online with the show on in the background. Of course I'm catching up today and getting full length shots of all the dresses and close ups of all the makeup. Close ups my friends...
Apparently lady doesn't like razors and she even wears short skirts. Very interesting...
I noticed the new People mag cover yesterday with a formerly familiar face on the cover. Seems that Heidi's admitting she'd addicted to plastic surgery. How addicted? She had--wait for it--TEN procedures in one day! I bet Spencer loved taking care of her during that healing process. I mean no wonder they haven't been out annoying the world! Girl's been bandaged up and recovering! Though how she afforded these many procedures is beyond me since she's also admitted that she spent her life savings on her debut album, which she compares to--wait for it--Thriller. Now, I could regale you with more of her deep thoughts on this album, but I could also post the link where you can listen to one full song and snippets. I think it's supposed to make me want to dance but it's hard to hit the floor when you're resisting the urge to throw up in your mouth. My personal favorite is "Superficial." It really puts a tear in your eye. And by that I mean makes you want to tear it out.
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are planning to skip the Golden Globes because...I know, you think it's going to be something deep, right? Like they can't go cause they're going on an adoption expedition or taking their kids to the Dali Lama. Well, you'd be wrong. They're not going because he wasn't nominated for Inglorious Basterds. Sure, the movie itself was nominated, and the actor who played the evil Nazi (well, I mean, all nazis are evil but he's especially evil) as well, but who cares! Oh, Brad, you know there's no I in Team, but I guess you're going with the logic that there is a "me" in there. At least do something worthy with your time skipped and visit a leper colony or something.
First of all, let me say that I was finally forced to join whatever century this is when my hand-me-down MP3 player (it was my dad's) finally bit it (think Walkman without a tape deck size) and I invested in an IPod shuffle for the gym. It's adorably tiny. However not only was my former portable music player old school, I usually rocked flat headphones with it and the ones that come with the shuffle are the earbuds. I spent roughly the first third of my 35 minute treadmill time (trust me, more walking then jogging) trying to jam the things in my ears so they would stay. I'm sure the man next to me was very impressed. (I spent the remaining two thirds fidgeting with my pants and underwear. Of all the useful things I learned in Catholic school, not giving a flying f*** what people think of me is the most useful and comes in handy when you're de-wedgieing yourself every 3 minutes. And pulling my pants up since I also got my dad's flat ass.) Unfortunately the remote for the shuffle is on the headphones, though probably no one would be surprised if Problem Underwear Girl became Ear Rubber Bands Girl.
Second of all, this is the song I'm praying comes on the radio lately while I'm driving. It's off the solo effort from the lead singer of Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!, Alec Ounsworth. Since I'm a sucker for a good repeated phrase, it's right up my alley. See if you can figure out what it is! That will keep you busy while I'm shoving things in my ears.
I cannot decide if I love this or hate this. I don't want to specify who this is because it may sway votes. For some reason I think I love it but with different shoes...the depth of my thoughts are deep people.
Katy Perry. It seemed to me that she was trying a little too hard, you know? I never liked I Kissed a Girl because a) Jill Sobule already took that path and 2) it seemed to be provocative for the sole purpose of getting radio play.
But then, she had a couple of ticks in "pro" column- I) Engaged to Russell Brand- she can't be all bad and b) her cat's name is Kitty Purry.
We are at a hung jury here, folks. Or, rather, we were. I was working out this morning and ellipticalling to the 6:00am MTV video countdown (3. Empire State of Mind (Jay and Alicia Keys), 2. Tik Tok (Ke$ha) and 1. Hard (Rhianna)). MTV does their commercials at off points so they kept it rocking from Rhianna right in to... Katy Perry Unplugged. Here is where her team won- exhibit a- those awesome things in her hair and more importantly, exhibit e- she redid I Kissed a Girl and, shockingly, I liked it! I hope my former self don't mind it.
Hey, do you know what shows up on my phone if, say, Alli calls me? It says her number and "Alli." What about Kate? It has her number and "Kate." Why? Because we're good friends! I know them well! I don't need it say their last name! I don't look at the phone and think, hmm, Alli, Alli, I think I know her...The only time I add last names to contacts is if there's multiples, and even then it's usually just a last initial. So can someone please tell me why, WHY, when characters look at their cells on shows and movies is there a first and last name? Especially when we know who it is too? Like when Veronica calls Wallace it comes up on his phone as "Veronica Mars." WE KNOW WHO SHE IS. HE KNOWS WHO SHE IS. They're BFFS! She's the title character for christ sake! Or when Jack calls Kate it comes up as "Jack Shepard." THEY WERE STUCK ON AN ISLAND TOGETHER! Of course she knows who it is! There's only one Jack on the show! We know you know them and who they are! We don't need a reminder! Sheesh!
OK. Sorry about that. Clearly it's been building up. Go back to your lives.
I saw a commercial for Taco Bell advertising the "Drive-Thru Diet." Apparently some woman lost weight eating at Taco Bell. Who knew? It probably wouldn't work for those of us who turn to Taco Bell at 1 AM after leaving the bar. Though there is a vegetarian option so maybe if I switch to Diet Coke and Vodka or Lite Beer pre-post-bar trip there's hope for me. Except I hate Diet Coke and Lite Beer. It's cool, hope's not for everyone!
So on my MSN homepage I always scroll down to check the entertainment area and today saw that the "Heiress engaged to Tila Tequila died." I could not decide which of the words in this particular statement was the most baffling. According to the detailed article, Casey Johnson was the socialite daughter of someone from the New York Jets and an heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune, and once turned down Paris Hilton's offer to co-star on The Simple Life. And yet apparently did NOT turn down the chance to date Tila Tequila. So, clearly decision making was a strong point. Cause of death is not known and foul play not suspected, though I imagine Johnson and/or Johnson may not be as thrilled about the whole Tila Tequila thing. She, of course, twittered to everyone to "Pray 4 my Wifey." Hmm...we'll just leave it at that.
This is Lady Gaga's new hair color as of New Year's Eve and apparently it's made a singer or "Estonian pop princess" name Kerli very angry. She had yellow hair first and she wants us all to know...even though we don't know who she is.
OK, not so much a fan of the one in the middle, and the one on the end is OK--what I wanted to show you was the pink one and I couldn't find a pic of it on its own. It's Burberry, of course. It was in the new issue of Vogue. It's specifically a Burberry Prorsum petal-pink duchesse satin trench and I think I would get a little drool on it. There's this awesome site, Art of the Trench, that shows people rocking their Burberry Trench coats. Me, I have to settle for rocking my Old Navy trench that I got on sale seeing as how I'm about $1200 away from being able to afford the actual thing. Add it to the life goals, along with rocking a matching Burberry scarf. Which means I'm actually about $1500 away. Believe me I would way rather be contemplating selling organs on the black market to pay off a credit card bill that's due to Burberry rather then my mechanic because yes, my car window is stuck open. Maybe I can find some Burberry cardboard for the window...