CHEEP CHEEP

Tweet of the day- from Heidi Montag of course:

" I have never felt sexier, happier, or more amazing in my own skin. I truly look the way I have always dreamed, I love America and freedom!"

Hooray for FREEDOM!!

The rest is almost written...

So Alli and I watched The Hills premiere at the same time last night, and I have to say, I was horrified/depressed/amused/bored. They did an awesome job of not showing Heidi 10.0's face until she got home (while she was packing they only showed the back of her head or her hair falling forward) and when she got home they made a point of showing old family photos. I have my differences with that girl but now that I've seen what she's become, it just makes me sad to remember--she used to be cute and fun and vapid in an endearing kind of way. And now she's just sad and plastic. And when we finally saw her face even though I've seen it I will wanted to throw up in my mouth. And her poor mother's reaction was just heartbreaking. I mean what happened to her? Did fame screw her up? Money? Spencer? The need for more attention? Augh. It was so awkward.

Oh and Kristen is so on drugs, and Lo finally made the credits. Go team!

I still miss Lauren.

So I didn't watch the last season of The Hills, and it was subsequently canceled, thus believing I have made my point I decided that I can safely go ahead and watch the last season. Or attempt to watch it, anyway. I mean the previews where Heidi's poor mother has to deal with her frozen-faced daughter who has basketballs for breasts make it look too good to pass up. So to prep, I watched the last episode of the season 5. Let me catch you up on what apparently happened this season:

First of all I saw Lo once and Stephanie not at all. I did get to see Stacey the Bartender who sadly did not use my fav catchphrase of hers, "Good Luck With That." I did get to see her act like she and Kristen go waaaay back which I'm going to go ahead and highly doubt. I also got to see Audrina's hat make a cameo and watch her have yet another "Really this time I'm done with you" conversation with Justin, in which she informs him he's going to grow to be a lonely old man. This, shockingly, gets Justin to think. In the beginning of the episode he attempts to solidify his relationship with Kristin, who brutally rebuffys him then tells Stacey she just can't commit and maybe it's because she fears getting divorced just like her parents. Babycrier, you don't see me going around saying I fear commitment cause I might die like my mom eventually! Sheesh. Get a better excuse then your parents, sisterfriend. If we all didn't commit cause we were afraid of divorce, I'd have way more options on the market to not commit to, moving on.

So then we got to "Taylor's Engagement Party." Who the F is Taylor? Sleazy T, my friends, the original Edward Norton look-a-like! Only now he apparently is engaged so we have to call him by his real name. At the party Jayde of course pressures Brody to move in with her (it would appear over the course of the season they broke up and got back together). The next time we see Brody he informs Frankie and Slea---I mean Taylor that he is now dunzo again with Jayde. Frankie and T then proceed to try and remember the order of girlfriends before Jayde ("It was Cora then Jayde." "No, it was Olivia then Cora then Jayde." "No, wait there was..." You get the idea). Brody's response? To reveal he may still have feelings for Kristen...

...who ends the show by going back on what she previously said to Justin who comes back to make a bid for her love again. And she falls for it! She falls for his assurance that it will work this time because she has His Word. Please! We all know how far the word of Justin Bobby goes!

Oh and then Spencer says that Heidi kidnapped his sperm then by the end of the episode decides he's cool with having babies. So basically the episode started with everything one way then ended with it another. So we're all caught up! Let the end begin!

This hurts my heart a little...

Why do I care when I don't even watch anymore?

OK, are you ready? You have to be able to concentrate because there are many layers here. Right, so, recently Heidi landed a small role in an upcoming Adam Sandler/Nicole Kidman film. Normally Spencer is her manager but apparently she has fired him and instead hired her psychic, who will now be making all her career decisions. Spencer claimed he had plans of his own anyway: taking a break from filming The Hills to join the fight on cyberterrorism. According to Fox News, he told People mag that "upon learning of President Obama's declaration that the 'cyber threat is one of the most serious economic and national security challenges we face as a nation,' I have decided to refocus my energy and devote my full resources to helping America face this and other unprecedented challenges. My new mission is this: To do my part in maintaining the technological superiority of the U.S. military and prevent emerging technologies from threatening our nation's security." Oooo, not so fast, Fox News! We should have known it was too bad to be true when it was such a well-worded quote. So what's the truth? The truth, folks, is that Spencer is taking a break from The Hills because, ah, he was told to do so. Apparently the aspiring Cyber Terrorism Superhero got so irate at a producer for the show that he informed her he should kill her for asking him to do something he apparently didn't want to do. So, in review: Spencer is lying about fighting terrorism to cover up that he's actually in anger management and his wife is taking career advice from a psychic. Did we get all of that?

Oh yes, one more thing: per the psychic, they are no longer to be called Speidi but by their actual names. Which I believe are DoucheMonster and PlasticLady.

I can't even think of 10 things to operate on besides maybe each finger.

I noticed the new People mag cover yesterday with a formerly familiar face on the cover. Seems that Heidi's admitting she'd addicted to plastic surgery. How addicted? She had--wait for it--TEN procedures in one day! I bet Spencer loved taking care of her during that healing process. I mean no wonder they haven't been out annoying the world! Girl's been bandaged up and recovering! Though how she afforded these many procedures is beyond me since she's also admitted that she spent her life savings on her debut album, which she compares to--wait for it--Thriller. Now, I could regale you with more of her deep thoughts on this album, but I could also post the link where you can listen to one full song and snippets. I think it's supposed to make me want to dance but it's hard to hit the floor when you're resisting the urge to throw up in your mouth. My personal favorite is "Superficial." It really puts a tear in your eye. And by that I mean makes you want to tear it out.

Rumor mill!

Rumor #1: Whitney and Brody seen getting close at a club!
Rumor #2: Lauren possibly appearing on the next season of The City!

OK, that's it for now. I think I'm supposed to be job hunting so peace out.

8 minutes of my life that I will not get back

I made the mistake of turning to the last 8 minutes of the Hills. Batgirl and I have debated whether or not we would watch the new season. She said no, I said I would probably check it out. I haven't been able to watch TV lately and the DVR is filling up. I have not DVRed the new season and saw it was on, so, why not let the DVR fill up further and watch the Hills "live" on TV?

There are about 5 reasons I could have come up with if I had given myself a chance to think, but alas. She Pratt is thinner than before (I think her big confession about her previous battle with bulimia was just a way to bring in the anorexia). There was a brief shining Lo moment but Kristin and JustinBobby washed that taste out of my mouth right quick. Remember how JB is irritating and full of stale sound bites? SO IS KRISTIN! So- them, together, on a date made me wish I had four hands to accommodate driving pencils through my eyes are ears at the same time. Will I be back? Eh. Maybe. I would like to say no but I know myself better than that.

PS- the 5 reasons are:

- Kristin

- JB

- Heidi

- Spencer

- Not Lauren

From The City to The Hills and back again

Oh my goodness. The City looks like it's going to get pretty good and thankfully no sign of Adam and Allie and Jay, though I will miss Erin. And please God let Olivia fall on her pretty little face. As for The Hills, augh. Look for Stacey the Bartender chilling with Kristin when she's making fun of Brody. I truly don't think I can stomach that show anymore...though I do enjoy the last several seconds of the preview although Heidi and I agreeing on something makes me uneasy.

The City - MTV Shows

The Hills - MTV Shows

Eve Pinky

Whitney Port created a lipstick color for the cosmetics brand Cargo and I wants it! (They also have one that Evangeline Lilly created that I'll probably get) It's cruelty free, all natural (there's even wildflower seeds in the box so you can plant it) and $2 dollars from every sale goes to charity. Have I convinced you, pocketbook, that I need this?

Call an exorcist!

I hate to give too much attention to Speidi but they just keep coming up with such genius things. Such as Spencer going on the radio to hail Heidi as the "new, modern day, 2010 Michael Jackson." When the DJ politely reminded Spencer that Michael Jackson is now dead, Spencer just spun it to his advantage, of course:

"Yeah, but here it is, it's living, like the Holy Spirit. Like, Michael Jackson's in heaven. The Holy Spirit now has Michael Jackson juice, so boom! For all we know, Heidi gets possessed with Michael Jackson's divine spirit."

"So Heidi is the new Michael Jackson?"

"Oh, way bigger."
Spence, you leave even me speechless sometimes.

I really just couldn't NOT post this

Quick run down: I found this video via Twitter. Apparently the girl from the Hills aftershow went out clubbing with Heidi and Spencer after her awful Miss Whatever pageant performance. Take note of after show girl's face and the fact that Heidi sings to herself in the mirror while lap dancing Spencer...



The Hills new season a starts Sept. 29th (Lo's birthday)(I found that out on Twitter too)

Fist bump: The meaningful glances of D-bags

Like all of you, I was mostly nauseous after hearing the amazing details of the Speidi interview in Playboy (side note- when is the last time Heidi has done ANYTHING without Spencer? 1996?). Clearly Heidi is delusional and confused about, well, a lot. Checking through Perez, I saw a link to the article and I wanted to see if maybe the full article would redeem Mrs. Pratt. Yeah, no. It didn't.

I read about 3 exchanges between Heidi and Spencer (what a great interviewer, really) and felt the familiar rise of bile in my throat. BUT WAIT- the best (worst) part- there are several times in the article that this happens:

Spencer: Heidi, you are so amazing and brainwashed by my flesh beard

Heidi: You are the best thing that has ever happened in my whole life ever including being born and purchasing my "upgrades."

[several fist bumps]

WHAT? Yes. Speidi or Playboy or whoever transcribed this piece of cutting-edge journalism felt the need to put in EVERY SINGLE "fist bump" the couple exchanges. First- fist bumps? Second- transcribed fist bumps? I really don't think it would take away from the mood or intentions of the article to leave out all of the [fist bump]s.

Really, Playboy? You gotta get those girls next door back. STAT.

Not the girl next door

Here is Heidi's Playboy cover. Maybe it's just me, but I think it looks a little ridic. (Note: This is my new shorthand for ridiculous.) What I much prefer is Lauren's brilliant response to why Heidi may have posed for the photos showcasing her many enhancements: "They're not going to pay for themselves."

Speaking of which wouldn't such a Jesus freak shun plastic surgery? Did it occur to you that God wanted you to have normal-sized lips, Heid, as opposed to the pillow pout you're sportin' now? Hey, pillows, that reminds me of--OK, I'm done. Although I think Carrie's mom said it best, especially here, with the famous phrase "dirty pillows." OK, now I'm done.

Yes, please!

You know, I've been watching DVD's of The Hills obsessively lately, and maybe I'm just perma-programmed to inhale all things Lauren. But the fact that she's looking to get L.A. Candy made into a movie made me totally psyched. Let's face it, I'm a Laurenaholic.

I guess E! online won't be linking to our site...

I know they are Speidi-free, and really, I would love to be as well, but I read an article a while back that I can't ignore.  Not sure if you saw this one, but Spencer and Heidi are serious New World Order converts and they are going to preach to the Christians because the Christians take Heidi VERY seriously and they know when Heidi means something they listen because they know it's a message.  

Really? I thought you told them all to vote for McCain- was that not a message? And that your music is good- where's the message there?  I really hope they are joking about this, or are doing it for press, because if they are not I am convinced it is not safe for society to have them roaming around freely.  

I guess they went on a show called Infowars (incidentally, Spencer is going to name his album this now) hosted by a conspiracy-theorist named Alex Jones (that sounds like such a fake name) and were gushing about how he was right about everything.  Before going on this guy's show they were researching, quote, "We've been nonstop researching the Internet...for information for at least a month all day every day."  Oh- OK.  I didn't know there was internet in the jungles of Costa Rica.  And I guess all the paparazzi shots they set up for themselves over the past few months were all just little breaks from their 24-hour-a-day researching.  

Other interesting info they revealed on this radio show- 

- Heidi hates birth control now, partially because "how most women are suicidal sometimes on it."  With these oratorical skills, Heidi is the next Eva Peron.  

- Lauren controls the media and has made the media turn against Speidi, because everyone used to love them and now they have been "Obama-sized".  

- Apparently we are all going to be implanted with micro-chips, but Heidi will preach to her Christians because it says in the bible that this is the mark of the Devil.  

- In one shining moment of sanity, Speidi questions their popularity, starting a statement with "how are we famous..." but unfortunately, it all goes downhill from there.  

Go Bruce!

It is weird to see "reality stars" in situations not related to their reality show. I was over at Us Weekly and for some unknown reason clicked on an article about how Bruce, Demi and Ashton are "like a tribe now." Great for them, being good parents and friends. I vaguely remembered that Bruce got married, but the article taught me a little something about the new Mrs. Willis (her friends call her Emma).

When she and Bruce met, she was engaged to none other than Mrs. Pratt's boss, Brent Bolthouse! I never thought I would say this, but Bruce Willis rocks. I love that she was engaged to Brent and left him for Bruce. I am just having trouble reconciling the fact that Brent Bolthouse exists outside of my television. That one's going to take awhile.

Side note- my brother has long claimed "Bruce" to be the number one manliest name ever. I am not sure if I agree with that 100% but its stock is rising!

Lauren! COME BACK! At least get a better exit!

I love going to the movies with my brother Chris for many reasons; a big one is that during the previews, if it looks like the movie being advertised would appear to be stupid, he does this awesome, dramatic, slow motion thumbs...DOWN! Well, that image appeared in my head by the end of tonight's Hills.

Hey! MTV! Remember why this show started? Because of LAUREN. Lauren, who was in her own last episode for like, 5 seconds. We all know you're going to start parading around Kristin like the bitchy drunk blond idiot that she is but did you have to start doing it in so heavily in Lauren's last go-round? Seriously, like the dramatic "Did you give someone their invitation" moment. Or her fabulous entrance and oh, I guess the only open seat is the one next to Justin! (I, personally, thought he should have sat by Stacey The Bartender. They could have had their own "Why the hell were we invited" aisle.)

I did enjoy Holly's mini-meltdown during the rehearsal dinner when she was throwing food and then acted like it wasn't a big deal to be throwing food. Or when she tried to redeem herself by bravely telling Heidi she could "un-maid of honor" her. I also enjoyed Brody's reaction to Spencer's "I'm a changed man" speech which I missed most of as I was enjoying the Brode's chuckle fest. And of course the classic oh, we should wrap up loose ends moment of Lauren talking to Kelly Cutrone. Was she giving the world's longest two weeks? Is this to be our last memory of Kelly? Let down #201 of the episode.

I fully expected to cry at this episode. But alas, I was not given a chance because it was all about Kristin too soon. Oh, and the stupid wedding. So, MTV, who I'm sure is reading this right now and feeling shame and remorse, a big slow motion thumbs down to you for not giving Lauren the chance to fitfully exit her own show. In fact I dare say you should change the name now. And theme music. Though I do thank you for giving us one last classic Lo smart ass remark followed by a classic Lauren facial expression. I think that's the memory of this episode I will carry with me. The rest can suck it.

(And yes, that is Sleazy T up top.)

So we agree on something!

Well, normally I'm not one to like the old Audrina, but maybe I'll have to change my opinion now that I've heard her opinion on Kristin: "I don't like her." I don't like her either! Who knew!

Pratt-falls, per usual.

Oh, Stephanie. You're quite the piece of work. Did it not occur to you that you should maybe be a little more upset over getting fired from your internship then being bummed some dude in a band in Chicago has a live-in girlfriend? And also, "dropped the gnarliest bomb on me"? Can we not mix early 90's words with late 90's sayings?

The Half-Hero of the half hour this week was Heidi's dad--"My real dad", as opposed to her fake one, I suppose--for mentioning things like his gun and the codes of the west thus eliciting priceless frozen facial expressions from Spencer...only to eventually give her permission to pop the question. I personally think it's because he likes the idea it irks Heidi's ma/his ex. And really her response to The Big Question being "With this ring? Hell yes!" shows how perfect they are for each other. Here's to hoping their run on the upcoming I'm a Celebrity...Get me out of here! ends with some random rabid jungle creature realizing they are not, in fact, celebrities and putting us out of our misery with a well-timed snack.