Sunday, November 30, 2008

I go through life like a Karate Kid

I just finished watching 'Britney Spears: For the Record' and I only have a few thoughts. First, I dare you to watch it and not come away with even just a slight like for her. She was funny and very human. Second, you can't watch and not feel a tiny bit bad for her. Sure she chose her career but when you see the documentary you see a very real perspective of what life under constant scrutiny is like. It was interesting to watch the fans and paparazzi going nuts outside Britney's car and to see her and her carmates not react at all. Imagine living in a world where you can never really be alone skin crawls just thinking about it.

So in the face of it all I think at her age she's coming out of the negativity quite well. My favorite part was towards the end when she says she doesn't feel like a victim of her life and she chooses to be a happy person even on her bad days. I watched the doc to see exactly what Britney would say about the past two years and came away oddly inspired.

Margaritas: inspiring impulsivness since...awhile

So apparently what I have come to is being so curious as to whether Heidi and Spencer's wedding was legit that I google search it. And apparently the world as a whole has come to being so awesome that all I had to was type her name in my google bar and the first hit to come up was an article addressing just this. And so, everyone else, if you too were puzzled by this conundrum, now you too can have you answer. What a great wedding story. "Hey, remember that time we were drinking margaritas in Mexico and we all of a sudden decided to symollically exchange vows? I mean, by no way was that inspired by the presence of MTV's cameras or Us mag! I was just taken by the tequila and the Mexico and I looked at you and thought, one hour from now is the time to say a bunch of stuff about how cool I think you are in front of someone!" Can I get a free symbolic wedding this way? Like maybe I tip off the local paper I may or may not be doing shots at the local watering hole when I suddenly decide to declare my love to James Bond and then bam, we're symbollicaly joined as one. It probably won't be too hard to clear up legally then when I get fickle on New Year's and decide to declare my love to Batman after a lot of cheap wine. Thanks, Heidi and Spencer. Once again you've made life a little more cheapened.

Empire Records quandry

Did anybody else ever wonder why in the middle of the scene where she's calming down Cory after it's revealed that she does speed after it's revealed that Gina did Rex Manning on top of the copy machine, Deb suddenly goes to the bathroom?

Just askin'.


I didn't think that another cell phone commercial could ever replace Lauren and Brody's ATT spot as my favorite cell phone commercial (L.B.H., I didn't think I'd ever have favorite cell phone commercials) but leave it to The Prince of Darkness to one-up The Hills:

Friday, November 28, 2008

It's Black Friday, Charlie Brown

Nothing epitomizes America like mass murdering of birds, stuffing one's self beyond belief, and then getting so excited about some great "deals" at Walmart that they trample people. Seriously...I'm so ashamed.

Girl Meets Topanga

I wish.

Topanga Lawrence, or, the lovely lady who played Topanga Lawrence, has been trying to get in my brain for a few years now.

First- the names. Topanga AND Danielle Fishel (which I have been incorrectly pronouncing so it rhymes). Try to get THOSE out of your head. Can't can ya?

Second- the hair. Nuff said.

Ms. Fishel's first attempt was through a humorous piece of fiction I read on the internet called The Topanga Files. It has been awhile but I believe it was letters from a Topanga stalker. Of course, I can no longer find the Topanga Files on the internet. Damn.

In her second attempt, Danielle got arrested for DUI becoming another in a long line of long forgotten celebrities who comes back into the public eye through an arrest. Hey guys- buzzed driving IS drunk driving.

Next- my brother and/or sister in law told me about The Dish. "It is like The Soup but for girls" was how they described it to me. Loving The Soup, I wanted to check it out. But my memory is shorter than a goldfish's, so it wasn't until Brett Bretterson thoughtfully DVRed it for me so I could watch it at my leisure that I got to see the genius that is:

Danielle Fishel. Funny Commentator Lady.

If you get the Style network- watch it. I am falling in love with Topanga all over again. So I was thinking of maybe mentioning it on the old b-log when SUDDENLY, THIS WEEK............

Danielle did a plug for OVARIAN CANCER RESEARCH at the end of her show. This girl can do no wrong. I am on this kick now where I am desparately searching for products, companies, celebrities, fund raisers, events, races, whatever that benefit ovarian cancer research.

For YEARS it has been breast cancer this and wear pink that- this is very important- I am aware. Don't get me wrong- I understand that we needed to raise awareness and get funding and all that ish, but now I think the fact that EVERYTHING produced in the month of October in pink means we have done a GREAT job in building the awareness. I think this is an easier task than for ovarian cancer because it does affect so many women (and men for that matter), so bravo, thanks Susan G. Kommen's family, lets take this energy and direct some towards ovarian cancer. First and foremost, a reliable screening needs to be developed to detect this cancer. Let's get on it.

Cut back to Topanga love- at the end of the Dish this week, Danielle gave a shout out to run for her, a race/walk to benefit ovarian cancer research. This definitely put her over the wall of blogworthy versus not blogworthy. Thanks, Danielle! Let me know if I can knit you a teal scarf!

And the rest of you- look into the battle against ovarian cancer. It is a very scary thing because it is very hard to detect in early stages. I expect to see a hell of a lot more teal next September- yeah- ovarian cancer has a month too!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Bear Necessities

It's official! Ash had the baby and named him...Bronx Mowgli. It's like honey how it rolls off the tongue, huh? Seriously, I like odd names and I appreciate the shout out to Rudyard Kipling but wowza. I guess after he masters the art of flat ironing at the age of 2 and begins hiding his eyes behind serious bangs, he'll probably be able to totally work the name.

Monday, November 24, 2008

The Corpse Bride

Quote of the year: "I would rather kill myself." Lauren in reference to the idea of hooking up with Justin.

I would just like to say, now that it is official that Spencer made PermaPout his bride, that the end of the world has most likely been set in motion as I believe the Bible lists this as one of the signs of the Apocalypse, and it was pretty nice to know a good portion of you. Peace out, bitches.

Gimore Quote of My Day

Backstory: Michel has been ingesting 2% milk in his coffee instead of Non-fat because the store has changed the milk color system

Lorelai: Isn't his bouncing bothering you?

Sookie: It was but now it's kind of like having a Beyonce video on.

Michel: Now I have to burn off all these calories and have to deal with 2% milk withdrawal.

You did this...

I just finished watching the latest Hills episode and once again it focused far too much on Spencers douchery (which I will not even touch on because I've said far too much on the subject already) and Audrina. The episode did nothing but make Audrina look like an idiot. Girlfriend hears a rumor about JB and LC hooking up (which even I could've told you wasn't true) and she goes crazy. Hey, Audrina, if you hear a rumor about your guy and your bestie hooking up and you think it might be true chances are you're hanging with the wrong people...seriously move on already. Steph Pratt even told us he's hooked up with all your friends, why does it even matter if he's hooked up with one more? For him to come off as the better person this time says a lot.
Sidebar: didn't justin look sort of handsome tonight? and drinking wine..he had me thinking he was classy and cleaned up until he started calling Audrina dude

The last slap in the face was Audrina going to meet Lauren to talk at a club and she ended up asking her again if she hooked up with Justin. Who knew after all those bitchy comments and eye rolls that Lo would end up being the better friend?

Next week: watch out for Spencer and Stephs grandma doling out advice...

I know just just what you ah ah are

Hi. I'm Alli. And Britney Spears. I've enjoyed watching her ever since I saw the video for "...Baby one more time". I have to admit that I didn't care for her breakdown years and I stopped reading anything involving her post head shave (speaking of which I was totally waiting for some rockin' dos afterwards and all I got what shitty extensions but I digress...). So it goes without saying that I am so excited for next sundays 'Britney Spears: On the Record' on Mtv. I am ready for a comeback!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

We all scream for screaming

Sometimes, when you're utlra lazy, even to the point where the remote is literally right next to you but eh, you can't really be bothered to pick it up and channel surf, you end up watching things you hadn't planned on watching. Example: how I am started watching Scream Queens on Vh1. Normally I would not condone this, mainly because the winner gets a role on Saw 6 which I definitely do not condone (as much as I did not condone Saw 2, Saw 3, Saw 4, and even--wait for it--Saw 5). But anyway the first segment of the show had a challenge where all the contestants took turns popping out of a pool of fake blood (hello, Descent!) and giving a stirring speech to...something. The air, I guess. Some speech about vengence. Anyway of course they go to the contestants talking about it. One of them said something about, "Who do I hate the most? Oh yeah, myself!" so apparently she was drawing inspiration on taking revenge against...herself. Um, OK. There's Drama Queen and there's Baby Crier. Just ask the next contestant who got all emo because she imagined she was addressing her father. Of course! Dude was in and out jail and that gave her the inspiration to deliever a speech with a shaky voice while wearing a bikini in a pool of corn syrup. Nice work, ladies. How do I get on this show? I want to deliever a powerhouse performance inspired by that pony I never got because I forgot to ask for it. Let's face it, me in a bikink is scream-worthy enough of an idea anyway. (See, I got some Baby Crier in me.)

An open letter to...SAG

Dear S.A.G., also known as Screen Actors Guild,

It has come to my attention that you're considering having a strike over something, some money thing, blah blah blah. You all already have more money then the rest of us! And, hey, I have an awesome idea--we all saw what the Writer's Strike did to Cali's economy--let's pull that shiz again during what is already a horrible economy for the entire country! Yeah! Great idea! Screw Christmas!

In conclusion, if any of this affects Lost again, you can suck it. You can suck it big time.

Love, Alison.

Cable's version of a ring on it

According to Vh1, our beloved Shane is having The Best Week Ever!

I had pretty much given up hope on the honor going to me, so I'm cool with it. The best girl won, you know?

Saturday, November 22, 2008

And so's your old Pac-man!

Well, Thanksgiving is almost here which means Christmas directly follows. There's already a station here playing Christmas music 24/7 (best believe whenever "All I want for Christmas is you" by Mariah comes on I crank that) and ABC Family is already bragging up all the odd looking original movies they have. Me, I'm all about the Christmas cartoon specials. I usually watch The Powerpuff Girls "Twas the fight before Christmas" at least two times and you know we rock the Peanuts (we even got the Charlie Brown tree). Sadly I don't believe we get the Boomerang network here which plays old-school cartoons all the time, but they do have it at my dad's house in Fargo so I get to see Christmas specials from The Smurfs, Pac-Man, so on and so forth. And of course there's the 24 Christmas Story marathon. The last birthday I had in L.A. we attempted a drinking game while we watched Christmas Story. I say attempted because I didn't make it through after I had the brilliant idea to add "take a drink whenever anyone says So's your old man!" to the list we already found on the internet. We're going to do it again this year during Thanksgiving vacay so we may have to revise the list. I can't remember the entire thing but I know they drink whenever Randy whines and of course whenever they say "You'll shoot your eye out!" I think they had whenever their dad swears too. No wonder I never made it through. This year we're adding pizza. That will either help me stay up by cushioning the alcohol intake or leave me with a nice taste in my mouth after I puke and pass out. Oh, Christmas.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Watch this show!

Kath: Kim's waiting for the cable guy. She's been without tv for 12 whole hours.
Phil: With a 12 hour head start how are you going to keep up with the Kardashians?

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Pay the man

Whoever came up with this idea is a GENIUS.

Live puppy cam- get em while they're young! Puppies grow up so fast these days.

Brett- can Hildy watch it too??

58 seats and 62 Koreans!

Gilmore re-run quotes of the day:
"You can't dance to Joy Division!" -Lane's crazy cousin.
"You're going to have to do it with this boy, you're just going to have to do it." -Mrs. Kim.

P.S. Some kind hearts let my boy borrow their first season DVD's so don't be surprised by frequent Gilmore posts.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Tighter than Shane's Dereon Jeans

I know we have posted about this song and gentleman before, but I gotta put in my two cents as well. Can't let the Alleys have all the fun.

Why I felt it was important to link to this guy again:
- He now has a name (and it's Shane!)
- I enjoy him better clothed
- Wow he is really skinny. Skinnier with clothes on somehow
- In this video he is smiling, which makes me see that there is something in him other than an obsessive Beyonce fan, and an amazing dancer. I like my Shanes smiling.

AND- a classmate of mine told me that she heard the choreographer of the dance, a male, is one of the back up dancers in B's video. Really? I watched it and I really don't see that being at all probable.

So, again, here we go- Shane in front of Beyonce on a big screen

Lastly- does ANYONE have Dereon jeans besides B and MAYBE Solange? Maybe Michelle and Kelly have some in their closets but have they ever been seen in them? Exactly. How long til we can buy them at T.J. Maxx?

An open letter to...Beyonce

Dear Beyonce,
Damn you for you infectious and catchy singles that lead me to assure my boyfriend to pay no mind to me walking around singing "if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it."

That is all.
Thank you for your time.

The hills are alive with the sound of idiots.

The Hills had me all over the place this week and needing an airsickness bag. Let's start with Justin. When Justin referred to Venice Beach as "my side" of L.A. I wanted to wretch. I heart Venice Beach. I do not heart Justin. Even when he tries to be sweet by presenting Audrina with a shirt she liked he ruins the moment with "No bras with that!" And I think we all know what Audrina declaring he has a toothbrush at her place was--not a look! he almost lives here! but a pointed, hey, everybody, I know dude looks like a homeless biker but at least he keeps a toothbrush around (that she probably bought him anyway; the boy does have white teeth but I'm fairly certain they have people who take care of that). FYI, rocking a flat top hat over a hood is so fly. Men's Vogue, take note! All the boys will be copying that one! Oh and P.S. "Zenful" is not a word, nor does the attempt to create it make you look thoughtful or intelligent. It makes you look stupidful. Go figure.

Now over to the other man of the hour, Spencer. I wanted to wretch part 2 when for about three awful, stomach queasy seconds I...oh Jesus, here we go...I actually kind of felt...bad for him. (OK, that was hard, I need a minute...

ok, and we're back) when Heidi started blaming everything on him. No responsiblity for this girl! I'm annoyed she got her "job" back. What did she learn from this? Probably nothing! As she pouted while rocking a giant pink shawl look. She looked like an old lady baby combo. Actually I'm pretty sure the plastic surgery has given her perma-pout. No wonder she looks like a middle-aged botox baby crier. Anyway I got over feeling sorry for Spencer pretty fast. He makes it real easy when he uses phrases like "Stalker mom." Real punny, jackass. Props to Sam for the quote of the episode when speaking to Heidi in regards to Spencer: "That's YOUR problem."

Stay tuned for next week when the rumored Lauren/Justin hook up is addressed. I just need to get a hold of MTV to cancel the Hill's Aftershow and give us a blog roundtable on the matter.

R.I.P. Jess and Rory

Is anything sadder then the fateful last meeting of Jess and Rory in Philadelphia? How were we to know the actors would break up in real life, thusly robbing us of a Jess and Rory triumphant reunion? In my heart, they are together, somewhere. Probably on the East Coast. And she has a really great haircut...yeah, that sounds about right.

Monday, November 17, 2008

It's like you were my favorite drug

Looks like it's a Justin week. I was obsessed with this song earlier this year and was just pleasantly surprised with the video on Mtv. iTunes betta have this up quick. It's Hotness....although note that there's no kissing...apparently they had Chris Brown and Jessica Biel clauses in their if I could only convince him to have an Alli clause.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Really? The Baldwin/Disney edtion

This is Stephen Baldwin and Miley Cyrus pointing out his Hannah Montana tattoo.


I Got Sexy Legs

To know me is to know that I have a deep passionate obsession/love with Justin Timberlake. Last night, he made two special appearances on SNL and they were absolutely if I needed another reason to love him:

Love is all you need

It's no news flash that George Takei married his partner of 21 years, Brad Altman in September. At their wedding their table cards read, "May Sweet Equality Live Long and Prosper."

It's sad in this day and age that we can't just move on and let people live life:

Saturday, November 15, 2008


That one goes to me. Really? I have been sitting at my desk since 10:30 this morning "working on homework." It is now 7:00pm. I actually did homework from 4:30-5:30, at which point I decided I could be done with the formal desk stuff and do some research in front of the television.

I repeat, it is 7pm.

What happened to my day? This is going to be one of those weekends where I go to work on Monday and everyone asks "how was your weekend??" and I honestly answer "I don't remember."

I am "doing homework" all day tomorrow too, so let's hope it goes better. Seriously- welcome to my life.

Friday, November 14, 2008


My old co-worker who went to Africa for awhile told me about this last winter and I watched it numerous times and laughed my ass off and I totally forgot about it until now, we saw it on a random commercial today. I maintain that it's hi-larious, while Mick maintains that it's not. I win though because seriously, what's cuter then kids? Kids with british accents acting goofy! If a puppy popped his head in the frame at the end it would be the ultimate in entertainment!

Wait...if it's not YOUR son, whose son IS it?

OK, I saw Changeling and it was good but not what I expected, which was to say, Angelina Jolie looking old-school glam (love the clothes, love the finger-wave bob hair, love the deep dark red painted lips...) comes home, her kid is missing, months later the police say here's your kid! and she says no it's not! and it would go from there. Which it was, and which it did, but when it went from, it went. It got me riled up about women's rights and the police and deplorable psych ward conditions, and THEN there was this completely unexpected thing at a farm with a chicken coop...All right. That's all I'll say. It won't do to spoil it should you choose to see it. It is worth seeing, in my humble opinion. Angelina Jolie did do an excellent job. And those clothes! That hair! Those deep dark red lips! Seriously. I mean, seriously.

He ain't no hollaback girrrrl

One of my fav things about Gilmore Girls is how music is such a big thing (remember the troubadours taking over the town square much to Taylor's chagrin?). Today's morning re-run was a prime example, like Rory getting ready to "Kool Thing" by Sonic Youth and Joel from The Brian Jonestown Massacre making a tambourine cameo. But by far the best part, and what could possibly be included on a Top Ten Gilmore Moments List, was Sebastian Bach's rendition of "Hollaback Girl." What other show would have the genius to have the lead singer of Skid Row doing a word-perfect cover of Gwen Stefani? Bonus points for lauding the girl power in it after. And the Hava Nagilia after that (did I mention it was at a bat mitzvah? Brilliant!) didn't suck either. I have a special place for the old Hava in my heart ever since our catholic school chorus class sang it at our spring recital. Having a future Jewish sister-in-law means I have a rocking Jewish wedding to look forward to and best believe, I will be rocking it. Hmmm, I wonder if Sebastian is free...
Runner-up for best moment was the possible creation of CandyShipBattleLand.

Gilmore quote of the day: "You're way deep in my bogus bag and it's ziplocked shut." Mr. Bach, natch.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Stick to books, Clancy!

All right, let me tell you what commercial freaks me out: the one for Tom Clancy's video game "Endgame," which is apparently about the world ending. So it shows graphics from the game, the world about to end and whatnot. The thing that irks me is that over it, they play this old song about the end of the world, only it's actually about a relationship ending. And it's the exact same song Brittney Murphy's character in Girl, Interrupted puts on repeat on her record player when she kills herself and Winona Ryder finds her body. So everytime I see the commercial, I think of that part of the movie, and I get weirded out, and then I realize I'm watching a commercial for some stupid video game. The song isn't even about the world actually ending! It's from the 50's or something, they didn't sing songs about that sh*t! Lame, Tom Clancy video game commercial. Hella lame.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Gilmore Quote of the Day

Lorelai: You got nice Mass-ass!

Luke: A what?

Lorelai: Massachusetts ass!

Extra QotD: "I'm thinking I should be a drug dealer 'cause then I could buy all the (Gilmore) dvd's and be home in the afternoons to watch them on TV." -Mick-

I am...Goofy.

Apparently, Beyonce's new CD will be called "I am...Sasha Fierce." It will consist of two discs with...a total of 11 songs. That would be five songs on one CD and six on the other.

Sasha Fierce.
11 songs spread over 2 CD's.


Dude's body is bangin!

My friend Coley sent this to me and it's way too something not to share...

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Buckets, or boxes?

OK, so, did anybody else watch The Tom Green Show on MTV? Actually that's misleading. Did anybody else ever SEE The Tom Green Show? I saw like one episode, and somehow managed to catch that one episode twice. Every once in awhile, like tonite at work, random parts of it pop into my head. The first is when he started yelling about how he found out where babies come from and then proceeded to run out of a cave clutching armfuls of plastic baby dolls yelling, "I like to THROW them!" and then, of course, proceeding to throw them. Specifically at cars. I think one of them knocked a guy's hood ornament off.

The other was this really weird Man On The Street kind of thing, I can't remember the entire set-up, but I do recall him asking people, repeatedly, "Buckets or boxes?" And then he'd say "Will it stick?" and try to glue something to a 2 by 4 and then yell, "It stuck!" So at work, all night, in my head, I could hear Tom Green yelling, "Buckets or boxes? Buckets or boxes? Will it stick? IT STUCK!" And every once in awhile an "I like to THROW them!" would sneak in there. It was actually really hard not to walk around asking people, "Buckets or boxes?" And then I think he had a globe and would point out places on it to a manhole cover telling it where he was going to send it to. I tried to find either skit on Utube but lost patience really fast.

Andy Milonakis had some real Tom Green potential. The only skits I remember from that is his own Man On The Street where he said, "Know what I'm sayin?" to random people over and over again. Sometimes I pull that and it really annoys people. The other one, and this is truly a classic, I did manage to find here for you viewing pleasure:

King of the road

I watched Into the Wild with Kate and our friend Leah this weekend; neither of them had seen it before. I saw it in the theaters with my dad and the bf. It broke my damn heart. I feel like a poser because I still haven't read the book. I mean you go between agreeing with some of the things that he says and thinks and does and then you just want to slap him for a bunch of it. After we watched it this particular weekend I did some reading up on the film and the book (I do love Wikipedia and IMDB) but Kate did me one better and found this article from Outside mag. If you like the movie it's definitely worth a read. And one day I'll read the book too.

I bet Rory Gilmore has read it.
Oh, Rory.

It's the one thing that I've known

Like Rory Gilmore, I too live in a world of books. I read often and try to get through books quickly because I always have an ever-growing pile awaiting me.

Last year, I was introduced to a series, the first of which is called 'Twilight' and it was recently brought to my attention that I have yet to blog about it. I highly recommend reading these but as they are young adult books, I'm sure many of you will scoff and decide that they're not worthy. Well I'm here to tell you that you're nuts.

Now I will admit, they are not great literature, but they are such fun reads. The basis is a love story that isn't quite natural (especially if you love werewolves). I don't want to give anything away but I'll just say that there's a human girl and a flirtation with a boy who we'll say is less than human. The movie based on Twilight comes out next friday (11/21) and you best believe I'll blog about it that weekend. I just thought I'd give the heads up to those of you who'd maybe want to read it first.

Just a word of warning: More than likely once you read the first you'll probably be inclined to shut yourself in your home and read the other three. The series has been know to induce obsessive behavior.

The vid is a song from the soundtrack by Rob Pattinson who plays the lead male role and may be better known to you all (except Alison, as she is crazy) as Cedric Diggory from Harry Potter:

It all started with the Big Bang

"I would like one in the pale blue of Luke Skywalker's light saber before it was digitally remastered" -Sheldon from 'The Big Bang Theory' when asked what color car he'd like-

Monday, November 10, 2008

You are the company you keep

Touche Brent. When he bitch slapped Heidi with that comment, it was the high point of the episode. I didn't have much of a reaction to the rest of the episode. In fact, I did a crossword the entire time and was still able to keep up with all the dramz.

I'm so over Heidi and Spencer's obviously fake conversations. I also could care less about her being stressed about her 'job'. If she were really feeling the stress you know I wouldn't be seeing girlfriend in the newest YSL ankle boots. Shit they are hot. The one good thing about her is her taste in shoes.

Ok, back to the show. I felt that this episodes purpose was just an intro for The City (Whitney's new spin-off). I can't say exactly what my feelings are about the new show yet. I'm glad I'll get to feed my addiction of prying into someone's life but I feel like Whitney is a little boring, which probably means she's hella cool in person. I did feel a little bad for the model dude standing off to the side watching as singer dude swooped in and took Whitney from him. Nothing like losing a love interest...while the whole country is watching.

Basically, my biggest concern is this: Where the F was Lauren!? I realize she was on the show, but I want to see her more than just egging Whit into a hot hook up in the city. There are only a few episodes left so she'd better get her boyfriend to sign that release asap. Cause I mean really Lauren, what is more important, my happiness or your relationship's privacy?

p.s. I'd like to know why no one else watches The Big Bang Theory? It's seriously one of the funniest shows I've seen. More to come on this...

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Hateration, Holleration

Percolate: 1. When your body convulses after an orgasm 2. to get something started 3. to make coffee in a "perculator" coffee machine

This is a real word, though I can't quite pin point what rappers mean when they say it. I think it's one of those generic slang words that mean different things to different users. My definition is this (At 1:25 it gets really good.):

How did we get here?

Vh1 has a show called Real Chance at Love. This is a show in which "Real" and "Chance," spurned suitors of "New York," try to find other skanks to hook up with--I mean, fine women to love. They were unceremoniously dumped by New York on a show called I Love New York. New York was a spurned suitor of Flava Flav! on the show Flavor of Love. Flavor of Love came about after things didn't pan out for Flav and Brigitte Neilsen (of Rocky 4 fame) on Strange Love. Strange Love came about after the two hooked up on...The Surreal Life!

Thanks a lot, Surreal Life.
Thanks a whole f*ing lot.

Stay tuned for next week when I try to come up with the root of evil behind Celeb Rehab. I'm fairly certain I can trace it back to the mid-90's...Hey! Rodney King is on this season! Oh snap!

My work here is done.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Putting the M in missing in action

All right, all right. I used to be all "I liked that song before it blew up!" when I was younger but I got over it. I think it's a-right that M.I.A. has new-found success with "Paper Planes" being big and all. I would still jam to it when it came on the radio...IF they didn't insist on replacing the gun sounds with what sounds suspiciously like a monster truck being revved. Then I just have to turn it. Or pop in the CD and jam to the actual version, thankyouverymuch. So I like songs with gun shots! So what! I'm a product of my society! And I like to rock out! Help a sister out, people.

Mark it!

Lost starts again on Wednesday, January 21 with the the episodes "Because you left" and "The lie."

Finally! My life has gone too long without being ruined on a weekly basis!

Friday, November 7, 2008

O.P.U. is O.F.F.

OK- now that every news station (and not so news-y station) is jumping on the Obama Puppy bandwagon, I am stepping off.

Seriously- where were they four plus months ago when we first heard about the Obamas getting a pup after the election? I waited patiently with Malia and Sasha as our main issue was swept under the rug and all we heard was "blah blah economy, blah blah change, blah blah maverick."

And now that we have a presidential elect in office and we could be focusing on the hard hitting news like who is gonna make sure the cow hide rugs and long horns are out of the Oval Office, all we hear is "blah blah puppy, blah blah hypoallergenic."

Sorry world, you'll have to get your puppy news from one of 6,748 people covering this story.

Pardon me, are you dead or just very not tan?

Kate brought my attention to this. It's f'in creepy. When there's about 16 seconds left look over Gramp's shoulder. Scurry!

Proof #501 Paul Rudd rules

Thursday, November 6, 2008

I just can't shave it, that's all.

So I'm getting a haircut tomorrow and through the magic of google images I realized something--Shannyn Sossaman is gorgeous. She doesn't do much really, the last thing I saw her in that was awesome was a super small part in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (which is hi-larious) and the last thing I saw her in that suuucked was, of course, One Missed Call (which I only watched because I knew it was going to suuuuck). Check her out though. Can I pull this hair off? Hmmm...She has a stylist I bet. See, I want to look like this without someone having to prep me every morning. I'm a pretty restless sleeper and I hate to brush my hair--that should do it, right? The messy look? And then if I brush it it would look like this:

cheater, cheater, not pumpkin...drinker

OK. Confession time. I spend way too much money at Starbucks (I can't help it! There's one down the hall from work!) and stopped in after work to get some fuel for the ride home. And I know I should have gotten the pumpkin spice latte cause I always baby-cry after they take it away. But I just wanted to TRY the espresso truffle and oh good lord, it's like drinking liquid chocolate. I'm a cheater! Sorry pumpkin spice. I'll alternate!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I best not catch this flick on

Too good for words:

Come on, all the ladies - let's talk about sex, all right

The new Mtv show "Sex...with Mom and Dad" completely weirds me out. I get that it's good for teens to be able to discuss sex with an adult as opposed to their equally uninformed friends, I've actually talked to quite a few kids about sex (I work in a school, I'm not just a creepy sex talker). One thing I think is fabulous is that they show how to use condoms on every episode I've seen. Mostly, I just think how in depth it is is awkward. I mean, I'm 25 and I never need to know about my moms sexual turn ons and I definately don't EVER need my dad to show me how to use a dental dam. I'd like to thank my 'rents for never crossing the line. Thanks for not sharing!

Election's over. Now back to business!

Lo: Oh, Justin Bobby.
Lauren: A man so great he needed 2 names.

How cute is Audrina's sister? And how smart? Let's ask her to move in instead of Justin! The Hills has a tradition of wise co-workers and sisters. Like when Heidi starts talking about inviting everyone she knows and her (former!) co-worker seemed like she was politely disagreeing. Maybe they should get their own spin-off show. I mean if the Hills really do have eyes...perhaps these are the eyes, my friends.

Note to Stephanie: Acting surprised when Lauren says she was separating her things from Audrina's then saying she saw Audrina and heard she was getting a house...little awkward.
Also, saying that Spencer likes Justin and maybe that's the new crew put a little fear in my heart. Spencer with Justin as his flunky? Can Obama putting the kibosh on this make the new agenda?

Really? REALLY?

Note to Kate: Alaska move is off.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Yes, We Can

Was Barack's answer when the Obama girls asked if they could get a puppy.

I remember hearing that the Obamas were getting a puppy after the election and I have been on the edge of my seat ever since. I wonder what kind of puppy they will get? I wonder what they will name it?? Just think- that puppy got name checked during the presidential acceptance speech for the 44th president of these united states. That puppy is going to be totally boss.

I will make sure to keep the blog updated with any further Obama puppy updates. I'll call it the OPU. Remember it.


When thanking his daughters in his acceptance speech, Obama mentioned bringing a puppy to the White House. Which means...
Natalie Portman and Rashida Jones were right! The answer is...PUPPIES!

Good work, America.

When we allow freedom to ring...

Congrats America! Let's see what we can do!

Text from M: "I hope McCain leaned to her right before the speech and whispered, "This is all your fault." -referring to Sarah "the devil in harsh bronzer" Palin-

What is this strange, pride-like feeling?

I haven't ever experienced this- it's like a joyful swelling of my heart. Forgive my ignorance but I am new here. I have never had the honor to vote for the president-elect of the US.

What a frackin' haul this was- but damn what a result. I am so excited to see what will happen with this leadership and I feel truly lucky to be here for this. Wow.

John McCain's concession speech (is that the right word? Like a concession stand?) was really good- he is pretty classy, my friends.

Sarah Palin's tears during McCain's speech- at first they were endearing and then just started to bug me. But I am not holding it against her.

Awaiting Franken/Coleman.

OOOH! Oprah and Steadman! GOTTA GO!!!!!!!!!!

Flesh Beard

"Anne Hathaway is America's Cinderella as Spencer Pratt is America's doucherella." -Conan O'Brien-

Nostalgia: the Britney edition

OK, so, I went to Starbucks in the free half hour between Gilmore Girls (in which Logan is sooo smarmy and condescending to Jess who as always looks gorge, did I add I'm thinking of writing a book on the show using some good-old fashioned literary theory) and The Hills, which ended up taking longer then planned (and oh lord, when I first got there they had signs for the Christmas drinks up already and I was so freaked that the pumpkin latte was gone but it's still there hooray) so I decided to go vote right after (did you vote yet?) and come home to watch The Hills on-line then figured out that it would be on again tomorrow directly AFTER Gilmore Girls and THEN I realized that Crossroads was on Bravo.

Oh my gosh, Crossroads.
Do you remember that movie? Britney back in her golden days and I literally mean golden as in her hair? I totally rocked that movie in the theaters. Twice. I have no idea why. I forgot how ridiculous it is. So of course I'm totally rewatching it. Mick sat on the couch by me and we watched in silence for a few minutes before I finally said, "Don't ask. Just don't ask." He left shortly after. Girls, this is how you drive a man away if need be. I forgot how Britney ALWAYS saves the day (Briteny diagnoses the cracked radiator, Britney stops fights, Britney steps in to win the karoke contest, Britney nabs the keys to drive the car then cools down the hot driver dude when he has a hissy fit because his car is all he has left that hasn't been taken over by girls, Britney mediates peace between the warring nations in the middle get the idea). And how when cute dude asks to hear one of her poems she agrees basically right away. Child please! Don't just go around giving it way for free! Here's the thing about the plot that just screams contrived: They go to L.A. so the pregnant Taryn Manning character can compete in a singing competition and WHO ends up doing all the singing?

In conclusion, this was Britney's first and last movie. I say it's time for her to make a cinematic comeback. In a horror film. Maybe I'll write it for her. We'll see.

PS Note that the first paragraph was a run-on, which I believe I had a request for...

Monday, November 3, 2008

A customer at work told me today about a woman in Michigan who on Halloween refused to give candy to children whose parents were planning to vote for Obama.

Is this the kind of man we want running our country? A man who inspires people to deny candy to innocent children?

Barrack Obama: Because candy is awesome.

Quote of the day, work edition

Alison to her manager regarding some table tents: Which way do they go again?
Her manager: Black on the left, brown on the right.
Alison: left?
Her manager: Yeah, on your left as you're looking at it. Just remember what Beyonce says--to the left, to the left.

I don't think he'll ever forgive me for naming him Justin Bobby

Ok, I just watched the Hills and the Hills after show. I usually don't watch the aftershow, but I left it on while I jumped online. It was actually kind of amusing, and would be more so if I didn't have to see the viewers at home waving stupid signs and screaming on their horrible webcams, but that is beside the point.

Tonights episode revolved around Audrina moving and Heidi being booted out from her job. I will begin with Heidi. My first thought about her being fired was: Who cares? I mean we all know these girls are not at 'real jobs' but at places that like free press and will allow them to film inside their establishments. With that being said, doesn't it speak volumes that Brent B. would rather choose to can Heidi than deal with her and her aforementioned free publicity? I'm so over her and her ridiculously made up look that that's all I can say before I start ranting.

Now onto Audrina moving out. I totally support her moving. She's starting to do some 'work' in movies so I think it's great that she becomes independent. Also, we all know she hated living in the back house, so she stuck up for herself and left a situation that wasn't good for her. God she's so smart sticking up for herself and getting rid of bad roommates...wait did she just ask JustinBobby to live with her? Seriously, Audrina, what up? Can you really expect something from a person who you've kinda sorta dated for 4 frickin years but still refuses to say the word boyfriend? Really! Really? How many hall passes does he get? I bet he'll be a great roommate. Maybe, in between the skeezies he brings home, he'll wash the dishes. Maybe it'll be as often as he showers. Ugh, does this not say so much about our generation of women? Though, maybe I shouldn't get ahead of myself (or the shows' self). Maybe I should just take JB's words of advice: "Let it just happen and see what happens..." Thanks Genius!

To end, I'd like to plead to the show to put more LC in. I realize she has a boyfriend now who has no interest in being on the Hills but I'd take a fake date over a fake firing any day.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Copious Amounts of Alcohol- brought to you by the United States Army

Just saw the finale of the Real World Road Rules Challenge- The Island. It has been years since I watched a season of the Real World, and I have never watched a season of Road Rules (except the one on the boat- but I think that's it), so I am being introduced to a myriad of new opportunists through the amazingly conceived Real World Road Rules Challenges.

***SPOILERS AHEAD if you care, which I am guessing you probably don't***

So- the Island challenge was brought to you by the U.S. Army. I know it will be shocking to many, but someone in charge of the Army has made a mistake. Here is the concept of the show:
- Crap tons of RWRRers land on an Island unsure of the challenge ahead of them. And of course, T.J. Lavin, who maybe had a career before he started hosting challenges, but it would be news to me.
- Challenges are done on a vote-in/voluntary basis, and one is technically able to win the game without doing ANYTHING. And, some of the girls attempted this feat.
- There is no food on the island, except for what can be caught. Every few days or so there are "Army Drops" which are huge crates filled with boat makin' materials and food, and sometimes "luxuries" like a cell phone with 10 minutes of talk time to be split amongst 20 people. I thought the Island would be fun, like what they tell you when you sign up for the Army. Instead it was hard and painful, like in the real Army.
- The only thing the Island is stocked with is enough alcohol to ensure 20 young and in-shape men and women can drink themselves to a blackout every night. I guess then they don't notice they are sleeping on an island under harsh production lights with only mosquito netting for protection.
- The goal is to build a boat, get a key, and get off the Island to, sadly, a different island. They never mention how they are going to get off the other island, but I guess MTV worked that out beforehand.

The show ended predictably with the three strongest guys, and the toughest of the lesbians, making it off the island to a different island first.

But in the meantime, the show pretty much rocked. I love that this group of people are attempting to make their life's work be competing on a reality television show of people from reality television shows. And that these people take what is essentially a game so very seriously.

There were some great moments, and lots of great snarky and biting comments from Paula who is sure she is going to get on a boat with the boys in her alliance, so she spends the entirety of the series entrenched in her alliance with these boys and Johanna. These again are two girls I only know from this show (and other challenges), so my opinion of them is quite low. Paula tearily states that she is "being made a mockery of" because little miss has a case of the 'sposed tas and a girl with a never-changing hairstyle from the early nineties has her "$74,999.99" ($300,000 divided by 4 quite easily makes $75,000 but maybe Paula owed someone a penny from something else).

This Johnny Bananas guy pissed off a hell of alot of people along the way, but ended the show on a note that could make anyone smile: (on winning the $75,000) "Other than losing my virginity, this is one of the happiest days of my life." Dude hasn't got much going for him is that is still so high up on his list. Hopefully it will change after he gets married or has kids, but I am not holding my breath.

All in all- it was a great show, as far as terrible shows go.

Easily swayed by advertising

Who is that other girl in that Nintendo DS commercial? The one with Liv Tyler. I love her. Anyway- I want to know who the other girl is. And because I am very swayed by advertising, I feel like I should buy the game they are playing to pay homage to my veggie days.

But that means I would need to take Wordjong out of my DS and we all know that is NOT going to happen.

Darn you and your $4 drugs!

So every once in awhile I venture into Wal-mart to score a $4 prescription and it bums me out everytime. It always seems slightly dark and sinister in there to me. Like one of those blue vesties is going to try and steal my soul. Did you know AC/DC is only selling their new album there? AC/DC of "Highway to Hell" fame? Nothin' says family friendly Wal-mart like AC/DC!

Anyway while I'm waiting for the drug score what happens to come over the piped in music? "Away in a manger." Good lord! Christmas music already! What's next, Wal-mart? You going to recruit perhaps Motely Crue to cover "Silent Night"? Actually Twisted Sister made a christmas album. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't fall for that though.

RWRR Quote of the Day

"I am not scared about like, anything, except for drowning in water!"

-Dark-haired rookie from RR/RW The Island (it looks like her name is Kelly Anne- isn't that the name of one of Hef's new girlfriends?)

Really? You're not scared of ANYTHING? Like, being burned alive, yeah, sounds uncomfortable, but man keep me out of that water. Walls crushing in on you like in Star Wars- could be painful but NOTHING scares this woman except, like, drowning in water.

It's a twofer today...

Photo ops

This picture shows why Barack Obama is a bad ass. I don't even care what he's saying, he just looks cool.

This picture is disappointing. With a name like El Tinklenberg I was expecting something awesome, like maybe a short guy wearing a cape and raising a fist in the air. Turns out he's an old white dude. At least with a cool name like that he's a democrat. He should have hired me to do his campaign ads. Best believe the cape would have come into play then.

Tell me more about the bunnies, shirtless hottie...

So those jerks at at ABC tried to mess with me by bumping back Lost to 1:30 A.M. Luckily Mick is so smrt (s-m-r-t) and figured out that the same episode would be on Saturday at 10:30. Quite a bit happened so let me catch you up. The flashbacks revolved around Sawyer and included TJ from The Gilmore Girls being quite un-TJ like which frankly just confused me. It also featured Sawyer emerging shirtless from the water when Kate was looking at his copy of "Watership Down" leading him to say, shirtless, with a devilish grin, "It's about bunnies." Never has the innocent phrase it's about bunnies made me want to tackle a shirtless fictional character in the water that much.

The odd moment was when Sayhid and Locke were discussing who possibly hit Sayhid over the head and Locke suggests it was Sawyer. Sayhid said that wasn't possible since Sawyer was 2 kilometers away setting a rocket flare fuse to which Locke immediately responded, "Anyone who waches television knows how improvise a slow fuse." I was baffled (moreso since I thought he said snow fuse and realized as I was about to type that "slow" made more sense). I watch hella tv and have no clue. Of course they've never covered this point on any MTV reality show or any show involving modeling in some capacity so that could explain it. He then went on to say, "Use a cigarette." What kind of tv shows is dude watching? Maybe it's ironic because so many people watch Lost and now WE all know! Now, if only I could get in a sitch where I need to set up a bottle rocket then be 2 kilometers away...F*ck! I quit smoking!

The cutest moment hands down--possibly the cutest moment on this show ever--is when Charlie begins his wooing of Claire and to convince her to move to the caves has to find a jar of peanut butter. So she wakes up from a nap to find him packing her things and he presents her with a jar of...empty. Then proceeds to pretend that it's actually full of peanut butter. It is the cutest thing, she gets all happy and starts to "eat" some peanut butter too. And then they move to the caves. And then they live happily ever after!*

*That, in fact, is a total lie. But I have a date to get pumpkin spice lattes with Kate now, so peace out suckas.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Had we been doing this blog a few months ago, there would've no doubt been mention of the breakup of Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel. After all that public humor about effing everyone, I was very sad to see them part. Well click here to see them awkwardly together again. Love it.