Dear Jesse James,
Hey, you do realize that you're like dunzo now, right? Yeah? OK, just checking.
Peace out forever!
alison.
Showing posts with label Open letter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Open letter. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Monday, August 31, 2009
An open letter to...Chris Brown.
Dear Chris Brown,
It has come to my attention that since you've been sentenced, you now feel it is appropriate to go running your mouth to media outlets to try and salvage your career, like telling People mag that you still still love Rhianna and Larry King that you were shocked to read the details of the police report because you're not that person and furthermore, you don't even remember doing what you did. It has also come to my attention that you are dunzo and I have 4 words for you:
1. Shut.
2. The.
3. F***.
4. Up.
Buh bye.
alison.
It has come to my attention that since you've been sentenced, you now feel it is appropriate to go running your mouth to media outlets to try and salvage your career, like telling People mag that you still still love Rhianna and Larry King that you were shocked to read the details of the police report because you're not that person and furthermore, you don't even remember doing what you did. It has also come to my attention that you are dunzo and I have 4 words for you:
1. Shut.
2. The.
3. F***.
4. Up.
Buh bye.
alison.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
An open letter to...Megan and Jessica
Dear Megan Fox and Jessica Biel,
It has come to my attention that the two of you are running around flappin' your pretty little gums complaining that you all can't get jobs cause you're too good looking. Um, I am far too good looking to be running around carrying trays in a fugly olive green t-shirt, black pants, and long white apron but I do what I have to. As for you, baby crier Megan Fox, men across america may beg to differ but I do not find you all that attractive. So, please, ladies, shut your pretty little mouths. A lot of us can't get jobs but we're not makin' up excuses about it. Have you heard the economy is bad and doesn't care how bangin' you hair is? One final thought...maybe you're not payin the bills because you haven't got the skills? Think about it. Ooo, my bad, you might be too pretty to think.
Peace out,
alison.
It has come to my attention that the two of you are running around flappin' your pretty little gums complaining that you all can't get jobs cause you're too good looking. Um, I am far too good looking to be running around carrying trays in a fugly olive green t-shirt, black pants, and long white apron but I do what I have to. As for you, baby crier Megan Fox, men across america may beg to differ but I do not find you all that attractive. So, please, ladies, shut your pretty little mouths. A lot of us can't get jobs but we're not makin' up excuses about it. Have you heard the economy is bad and doesn't care how bangin' you hair is? One final thought...maybe you're not payin the bills because you haven't got the skills? Think about it. Ooo, my bad, you might be too pretty to think.
Peace out,
alison.
Friday, May 29, 2009
An open letter to...MSN.com
Dear MSN.com,This is NOT what I want to see when I log out of my email and it goes to your homepage. In the future, please don't post this sort of thing again. Thank you.
Sincerely,
alison.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
An open letter to...The Penns
Dear Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn,
It has come to my attention that you have once again called off the separation you once again called on awhile ago. Christ almighty you're a good couple, OK? Quit goofing around! Didn't you hear about the boy who cried wolf and eventually no one believed him anymore? Do you even like wolves?
I think I've made my point.
Cut it out and stay together otherwise don't say anything until you're really really dunzo,
alison.
It has come to my attention that you have once again called off the separation you once again called on awhile ago. Christ almighty you're a good couple, OK? Quit goofing around! Didn't you hear about the boy who cried wolf and eventually no one believed him anymore? Do you even like wolves?
I think I've made my point.
Cut it out and stay together otherwise don't say anything until you're really really dunzo,
alison.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
An open letter to...Subway
Dear Subway,
Oh my f***ing god, we get it. WE GET IT! You have footlongs for $5! I got it the first bajillion times you said it in your endless commercials about your five dollar footlongs! We all know! Babies know! Dogs know! People who live in caves that have no access to the outside world who haven't even heard of Subway? Yeah! They know too! So, please, for the love of all that is good and decent and holy--SHUT UP ABOUT THE $5 FOOTLONGS.
Peace out,
alison.
Oh my f***ing god, we get it. WE GET IT! You have footlongs for $5! I got it the first bajillion times you said it in your endless commercials about your five dollar footlongs! We all know! Babies know! Dogs know! People who live in caves that have no access to the outside world who haven't even heard of Subway? Yeah! They know too! So, please, for the love of all that is good and decent and holy--SHUT UP ABOUT THE $5 FOOTLONGS.
Peace out,
alison.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
An open letter to...perfume companies
Dear Perfume Companies,
Hey, you know what's a total waste of both my time and the pages of the fashion mags I read? Ads for your product with no sample. How am I supposed to know what your product smells like just by looking at the picture? And what am I supposed to line my underwear drawer with to make it smell good? Mmmm, I sure would like to smell like what this picture is portraying!
Thanks for nothing,
alison.
Hey, you know what's a total waste of both my time and the pages of the fashion mags I read? Ads for your product with no sample. How am I supposed to know what your product smells like just by looking at the picture? And what am I supposed to line my underwear drawer with to make it smell good? Mmmm, I sure would like to smell like what this picture is portraying!
Thanks for nothing,
alison.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
An open letter to...trashy mags and award shows
Dear trashy mags and award shows,
We get it, OK? Once upon a time, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were married. Now they are not. He's with Angelina Jolie and she's with John Mayer. The details of he and Angie hoping up are sketch. But it's done. OK? Are we cool? They're all in the same industry so they're going to run into each other occasionally! We don't need a play-by-play of the entire thing, or a camera flash to the other when one is on the screen, or any other cover stories saying someone called someone else or so and so was spotted in the public saving the whales and now the other one is jealous or whatever other shit you can make up. Can we drop it now?
Bored,
alison.
We get it, OK? Once upon a time, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were married. Now they are not. He's with Angelina Jolie and she's with John Mayer. The details of he and Angie hoping up are sketch. But it's done. OK? Are we cool? They're all in the same industry so they're going to run into each other occasionally! We don't need a play-by-play of the entire thing, or a camera flash to the other when one is on the screen, or any other cover stories saying someone called someone else or so and so was spotted in the public saving the whales and now the other one is jealous or whatever other shit you can make up. Can we drop it now?
Bored,
alison.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
An open letter to...Stephen King
Dear Stephen King,
Now, I personally have not read any of the Twilight series, what with my being scurred of vampires and all. That having been said, several of my friends whose opinions I regard highly are big fans of it, so I believe that there is most likely something to them. THAT having been said, you're pretty much a Class A Douche Bag for running your mouth on the author's writing skills. I highly doubt she's a terrible writer if she's selling as much as she is. Also, people who write stories about clowns who live in sewers aren't in any position to be talking trash.
Though I did enjoy Carrie,
alison.
Now, I personally have not read any of the Twilight series, what with my being scurred of vampires and all. That having been said, several of my friends whose opinions I regard highly are big fans of it, so I believe that there is most likely something to them. THAT having been said, you're pretty much a Class A Douche Bag for running your mouth on the author's writing skills. I highly doubt she's a terrible writer if she's selling as much as she is. Also, people who write stories about clowns who live in sewers aren't in any position to be talking trash.
Though I did enjoy Carrie,
alison.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
An open letter to...Sarah Palin.
Dear Sarah Palin,
Somewhere along the line, someone put it in your goofy moose-shootin' little head that it might be a good idea to try and run for president in 2012. Why don't you pretend they're a moose? Cause this is about as smart as Allie is for staying with Adam on The City. Which is to say, not at all. (I broke it down for ya as you seem to be a little on the slow side.)
Peace out,
alison.
Somewhere along the line, someone put it in your goofy moose-shootin' little head that it might be a good idea to try and run for president in 2012. Why don't you pretend they're a moose? Cause this is about as smart as Allie is for staying with Adam on The City. Which is to say, not at all. (I broke it down for ya as you seem to be a little on the slow side.)
Peace out,
alison.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
An open letter to...Pepsi.
Lately I've seen billboards with one word that incorporate a logo into one of the letters. Words like "love" and "howdy." I've confirmed my suspicions that the logo is that of Pepsi. Which leads me to write...
An Open Letter to Pepsi.
Dear Pepsi,
Recently it has come to my attention that you are apparently launching yet another ad campaign. LBH, Pepsi: Give it up. Coke clearly has the edge, especially when it comes to advertising. I mean, Santa Claus drinks Coke. So, please, stop with the attempted theatrics. Be thankful for the faithful customers you do have. Like My Favorite Uncle Don who can tell the difference between Pepsi bottled/canned in New Ulm, MN and Pepsi bottled/canned in Fargo, ND. Now THERE is an ad campaign!
Faithful coke drinker,
alison.
An Open Letter to Pepsi.
Dear Pepsi,
Recently it has come to my attention that you are apparently launching yet another ad campaign. LBH, Pepsi: Give it up. Coke clearly has the edge, especially when it comes to advertising. I mean, Santa Claus drinks Coke. So, please, stop with the attempted theatrics. Be thankful for the faithful customers you do have. Like My Favorite Uncle Don who can tell the difference between Pepsi bottled/canned in New Ulm, MN and Pepsi bottled/canned in Fargo, ND. Now THERE is an ad campaign!
Faithful coke drinker,
alison.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
An open letter to...Amanda Bynes
Dear Amanda Bynes,
According to the internet which is rarely known to lie, you are interested in Doug Reinhardt, who is not known for playing baseball but is known for being on The Hills. Have you seen him on The Hills? He's kind of a d-bag. You are far too cute to be dating a d-bag like him. I mean, you seem like someone I'd want to hang out with, whereas he seems like if someone who I'd end up wanting to punch in the small of his back which I imagine would hurt somewhat. So please, don't date Doug from The Hills. Hey, is Andy Samberg single? You should date him! He's hilarious!
Sincerely,
Someone who thinks she sort of knows you based on the fact that she's seen What a Girl Wants about, oh, 35 times.
According to the internet which is rarely known to lie, you are interested in Doug Reinhardt, who is not known for playing baseball but is known for being on The Hills. Have you seen him on The Hills? He's kind of a d-bag. You are far too cute to be dating a d-bag like him. I mean, you seem like someone I'd want to hang out with, whereas he seems like if someone who I'd end up wanting to punch in the small of his back which I imagine would hurt somewhat. So please, don't date Doug from The Hills. Hey, is Andy Samberg single? You should date him! He's hilarious!
Sincerely,
Someone who thinks she sort of knows you based on the fact that she's seen What a Girl Wants about, oh, 35 times.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
An open letter to...SAG
Dear S.A.G., also known as Screen Actors Guild,
It has come to my attention that you're considering having a strike over something, some money thing, blah blah blah. You all already have more money then the rest of us! And, hey, I have an awesome idea--we all saw what the Writer's Strike did to Cali's economy--let's pull that shiz again during what is already a horrible economy for the entire country! Yeah! Great idea! Screw Christmas!
In conclusion, if any of this affects Lost again, you can suck it. You can suck it big time.
Thanks!
Love, Alison.
It has come to my attention that you're considering having a strike over something, some money thing, blah blah blah. You all already have more money then the rest of us! And, hey, I have an awesome idea--we all saw what the Writer's Strike did to Cali's economy--let's pull that shiz again during what is already a horrible economy for the entire country! Yeah! Great idea! Screw Christmas!
In conclusion, if any of this affects Lost again, you can suck it. You can suck it big time.
Thanks!
Love, Alison.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
An open letter to...Beyonce
Dear Beyonce,
Damn you for you infectious and catchy singles that lead me to assure my boyfriend to pay no mind to me walking around singing "if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it."
That is all.
Thank you for your time.
Damn you for you infectious and catchy singles that lead me to assure my boyfriend to pay no mind to me walking around singing "if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it."
That is all.
Thank you for your time.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
An open letter to MTV
Dear MTV,
You should please consider putting the following shows on DVD:
The Ashlee Simpson Show. Sure, I no longer heart her the way I did before the whole plastic surgery after appearing in Marie Claire to empower girls on how they look thing. That doesn't mean I wouldn't love to relive the good old days when she was my main lady.
Making the Band 3. Maybe it's the nostalgia all of this Danity Kane craziness that's going on right now, but that show was awesome. Between Laurie Ann boomkatting all over the place and the magic that always comes with assembling a large group of girls in a pressure-filled sitch, it was good times.
Bam's Unholy Union. Uh, I don't really have a specific reason for this beyond the fact that it was funny as hell. Any show that features a good-looking woman pausing mid-Playboy shoot with a skateboard over her chest featuring her husband-to-be's name on it to field frantic repeated calls from their wedding planner is A-OK with me.
Love, Alison.
Yes, I do realize I have posted thee things in a row. But work doesn't start until 4 and I have to watch my MTV trash while the bf is still asleep and can't dog me. Oh no! He just got up and Making the Band 4 isn't over yet! Peace out.
You should please consider putting the following shows on DVD:
The Ashlee Simpson Show. Sure, I no longer heart her the way I did before the whole plastic surgery after appearing in Marie Claire to empower girls on how they look thing. That doesn't mean I wouldn't love to relive the good old days when she was my main lady.
Making the Band 3. Maybe it's the nostalgia all of this Danity Kane craziness that's going on right now, but that show was awesome. Between Laurie Ann boomkatting all over the place and the magic that always comes with assembling a large group of girls in a pressure-filled sitch, it was good times.
Bam's Unholy Union. Uh, I don't really have a specific reason for this beyond the fact that it was funny as hell. Any show that features a good-looking woman pausing mid-Playboy shoot with a skateboard over her chest featuring her husband-to-be's name on it to field frantic repeated calls from their wedding planner is A-OK with me.
Love, Alison.
Yes, I do realize I have posted thee things in a row. But work doesn't start until 4 and I have to watch my MTV trash while the bf is still asleep and can't dog me. Oh no! He just got up and Making the Band 4 isn't over yet! Peace out.
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