Drag yourself there!

Why, yes, Drag Me To Hell did kick ass six ways to Sunday. Thank you for asking! Now, if you don't happen to enjoy things that make you jump in your seat and hide in your cardigan, or campy seances, or cute blond girls getting royally pissed off after having things puked on them one too many times, then this is not the movie for you, sadly. If you like Justin Long you might like it though! Well, unless you like Justin Long but don't like the other things I listed. In which case I really just can't help you, buddy. Just know this: you will be missing one hell of a fight scene between a spunky blonde and a half-dead crazy ass gypsy woman with two different colored eyes. And that is your loss.

Lauren! COME BACK! At least get a better exit!

I love going to the movies with my brother Chris for many reasons; a big one is that during the previews, if it looks like the movie being advertised would appear to be stupid, he does this awesome, dramatic, slow motion thumbs...DOWN! Well, that image appeared in my head by the end of tonight's Hills.

Hey! MTV! Remember why this show started? Because of LAUREN. Lauren, who was in her own last episode for like, 5 seconds. We all know you're going to start parading around Kristin like the bitchy drunk blond idiot that she is but did you have to start doing it in so heavily in Lauren's last go-round? Seriously, like the dramatic "Did you give someone their invitation" moment. Or her fabulous entrance and oh, I guess the only open seat is the one next to Justin! (I, personally, thought he should have sat by Stacey The Bartender. They could have had their own "Why the hell were we invited" aisle.)

I did enjoy Holly's mini-meltdown during the rehearsal dinner when she was throwing food and then acted like it wasn't a big deal to be throwing food. Or when she tried to redeem herself by bravely telling Heidi she could "un-maid of honor" her. I also enjoyed Brody's reaction to Spencer's "I'm a changed man" speech which I missed most of as I was enjoying the Brode's chuckle fest. And of course the classic oh, we should wrap up loose ends moment of Lauren talking to Kelly Cutrone. Was she giving the world's longest two weeks? Is this to be our last memory of Kelly? Let down #201 of the episode.

I fully expected to cry at this episode. But alas, I was not given a chance because it was all about Kristin too soon. Oh, and the stupid wedding. So, MTV, who I'm sure is reading this right now and feeling shame and remorse, a big slow motion thumbs down to you for not giving Lauren the chance to fitfully exit her own show. In fact I dare say you should change the name now. And theme music. Though I do thank you for giving us one last classic Lo smart ass remark followed by a classic Lauren facial expression. I think that's the memory of this episode I will carry with me. The rest can suck it.

(And yes, that is Sleazy T up top.)

Eyeliner and Cigarettes

Alright. Since everyone else is buzzing about it I guess I will too. I just watched the new Lady Gaga video for my favorite song of hers, "Papparazzi". It's a fun song but the video is effing weird. I mean, I know she likes to stand out and be creative but where does this shit come from? On a sidenote, her black lips at the end are really cool.

An open letter to...MSN.com

Dear MSN.com,

This is NOT what I want to see when I log out of my email and it goes to your homepage. In the future, please don't post this sort of thing again. Thank you.

Sincerely,
alison.

Best. TV. Insult. Ever.

Dina on Danielle on The Real Housewives of New Jersey: 

"The girl is freakin' obsessed with me- I swear, I don't know if she wants to be me or skin me and wear me like last year's Versace." 

Oh Bravo.  You own 78% of my soul.  

So we agree on something!

Well, normally I'm not one to like the old Audrina, but maybe I'll have to change my opinion now that I've heard her opinion on Kristin: "I don't like her." I don't like her either! Who knew!

Creepy.

So Krysten Ritter, who was Lucy on Gilmores and is super adorable, is also on this AMC show Breaking Bad. Or should I say WAS because on this week's episode--

Ok first let me say, this show is about meth, right? It's a pretty good show actually. Malcom in the Middle's dad gets cancer and needs money cause you know, he has cancer, and his wife is pregnant (well, WAS pregnant, she just had a very nice looking baby named Holly) and his son has cerebal palsy, and his day gig as a high school chemistry teacher clearly won't help with any of this so he starts cooking meth and partners with a former student to sell it. OK so the kid starts renting a house from Jane's dad, Jane being Krysten Ritter, and she was all oh I don't want to smoke weed with you--oh, they started dating, I should add that. So they're dating and she says doesn't want to smoke up because she's like 18 months sober, but THEN they start mixing meth and heroin so there goes that, and then her dad finds out and he's all you're going to rehab right now! and she says no, tomorrow, last time I was in rehab you didn't water my plants and they died*, and he fell for it, so then she and Jesse (oh, that's the kid's name, the meth partner) demand all this money that Walter (he's Malcom in the Middle's dad, actually real name is Brian Cranston) owes them. So then SHE says we'll start over, we're not going to blow this money on drugs, but first we better finish the drugs we have! OK, then Walter is worried about Jesse and goes over to his house, and they're both passed out because you know, they just did some heroin, and she was on her side but then rolled over which you're not supposed to DO when you're passed out on heroin because you might choke on your own vomit. Which SHE DID! And they showed it! It was disgusting! It was horrifying to watch spunky Lucy from Gilmores die choking on puke!

Which was the point of the post, by the way. Just that you get used to someone some way and then suddenly, you have to watch their new character do heroin and then choke on barf. Because she WAS on this show and now she won't be, because she's dead. Oh actually in the preview for next week they showed her being zipped up in a body bag. I mean thumbs up to girlfriend for having acting range but hopefully her next role isn't so ookie. That's all.

*She literally said that line. It sounds like the kind of goofy thing I would make up so I just wanted to clarify that. Thanks. Also, please notice I picked a picture of her with a giant teddy bear to further drive home the fact that it was horrifying to have to watch her die in such a manner. Thanks again.

In which I debate haircuts, AGAIN

Well, it's that time of year again. The time of year in which I realize my preferred hairstyle is pulled back even when I'm not at work, and the ends are clearly dead, and yes, I need my annual haircut. Which then means I go Google Image crazy. I tend to put "Long bangs, short back" in the search engine (can't do short bangs, got the widow's peak and the crazy cowlick!) and lately it turns up a lot of emo boys. Yeah, I barely wear eyeliner now. Pass.

So then I turn to the time-honored tradition of the celebrity haircut. Of course then you have to remember a lot of them have people who style their hair, especially in photo opps, and I of course don't have that. Furthermore I won't do it for myself. I found a cute one of Renee Zellweger though she's got crazy mouth, and I think her hair has some natural curl to it. I like my hair messy and wavy but that requires our good friends hair product and time, two things I tend to refuse when it comes to the old noggin. Let's face it, if it's short enough I don't even run my broken comb through it half the time, and then even when I do Mick and I still do the old "Don't you want to brush you hair beore we go?"/"I just did!" routine.

It appears that two people I'm liking are Elisha Cuthbert and Katie Holmes. I even found a photo of Elisha that says she was rocking Katie hair. Anyway if you want to give me any other ideas, there's still time as part of the annual hair cut process is settling on where to go that's cheap and raking up the money. Rent's due in a week, so...it's looking like next month!

Donna Martin graduates

You know, I've never watched the Tori and Dean show at all, but the previews they keep showing on Oxygen during ANTM marathons (yeah, yeah, I'm still watching those, Rebecca just fainted and Nole Marin yelled "Call the police!", I guess so they could crack the case of who made the model faint) make it look fairly amusing. And I suppose we are in that summer lull of normal shows being in re-runs, so I could afford to pick up something new...

OK, speaking of which, thumbs up to Castle being renewed but monster thumbs down to no Kath & Kim or Unusuals. Although maybe Selma Blair and Amber Tambyln could team up on something, how cute would that be?

I lover her. I really do.

This month my second best friend, Evangeline Lilly, is on the cover of Women's Health Magazine. Lately I've been into health magazines, so I picked it up. Her interview is short and really talks about how she loves her job at Lost but it's only a job for her. She does not see herself being an "actress" for her whole life.
Here are some wise words from the interview:

About Lost, "It was a plane crash on a desert island. I thought, 'Oh give me a break. A dramatci Gilligan's Island.' Turns out it was fucking brilliant."

About fame, "Because the only way to want millions of people invading your life is to be off your rocker. This industry is conducive to cuckoo. It likes cuckoo. It encourages cuckoo." (Ahem, Lohan!)

And my fav, "Money is the longest route to happiness."



Seriously. Rachel Mcadams had better watch out. Evangeline might give her a fun for her money.

Pancakes!

"A family owned sex shop. Did you see that woman? She should be selling pancakes, not sex toys. Speaking of which, I want pancakes." -Mick upon seeing a commercial for an adult store.

Stop the madness!

You know how many commercials I've seen today alone for Dance Flick? Not even counting how many I've seen this week? I swear someone gave them like 11 hours worth of commercial time. And they're all short so they JUST KEEP PLAYING THEM. They play a new one EVERYDAY. Over and over. Hey, you know what I'd like to do the day it comes out? Go to a theater and slap the face of every person who goes to see it.

All right. Back to Freddy vs. Jason.

Commercial musings

I have to say, I don't know about this whole cotton commercial thing. You know, the ones where it starts out with a girl singing a song about life and going about her business and suddenly the song starts being about a fabric. I mean I wear cotton, and I love Zooey Deschanel who does one of them, but it still seems a little odd. Though not as heinous as the one for the new shaver that includes a bikini line trimmer that features women walking past plant life that then, um, shrinks to look trimmed after they pass. As someone I live with would say, "In-na-propriate!"

For your consideration: orbs

All right. So, clearly I believe in ghosts. We all knew that, right? Now then. Whether or not YOU believe in ghosts (Dad!) is CERTAINLY up to you. But then there are those things you perhaps just can't put your finger on, correct? So I submit to you, person reading this, the case of The Haunted Jail. Recently my fam went on a sic, sic vacay to Charleston, S.C. This included most of my siblings and our significant others and I going to a haunted jail. Did you know that Charleston is the second most haunted city in this country? (Number uno is nearby Savannah, and third is Philadelphia.) So we went to this old city jail that was closed down a really, really long time ago due to horrible conditions. Over 14,000 people died there--and that's only that we know of! Now, thankfully we didn't see any actual ghosts but the whole thing was creepy enough as is. We were allowed to take pictures and our tour guide, who was awesome, told us that what appear to be points of scattered light that appear in them are believed by some (like myself) to be orbs, or remaining spirits. Of those in my fam who took pictures, we spent the rest of the night comparing pictures and freaking out. I myself took like 40 so if you ever want to see more evidence, you could come over. Bring margaritas. Until then, I offer you two shots of the outside, one being relatively calm and one...well, not one to brag, but the tour guide was even impressed.

A boat to the Lonely Island

Well, I was pretty bummed when the recent SNL Just Clips didn't include Natalie Portman's rap, but I was rejuvenated when I realized that it's on The Lonely Island CD, thus available as a ringtone, and also, there's this!:

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - The Lonely Island

Pratt-falls, per usual.

Oh, Stephanie. You're quite the piece of work. Did it not occur to you that you should maybe be a little more upset over getting fired from your internship then being bummed some dude in a band in Chicago has a live-in girlfriend? And also, "dropped the gnarliest bomb on me"? Can we not mix early 90's words with late 90's sayings?

The Half-Hero of the half hour this week was Heidi's dad--"My real dad", as opposed to her fake one, I suppose--for mentioning things like his gun and the codes of the west thus eliciting priceless frozen facial expressions from Spencer...only to eventually give her permission to pop the question. I personally think it's because he likes the idea it irks Heidi's ma/his ex. And really her response to The Big Question being "With this ring? Hell yes!" shows how perfect they are for each other. Here's to hoping their run on the upcoming I'm a Celebrity...Get me out of here! ends with some random rabid jungle creature realizing they are not, in fact, celebrities and putting us out of our misery with a well-timed snack.

An open letter to...The Penns

Dear Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn,

It has come to my attention that you have once again called off the separation you once again called on awhile ago. Christ almighty you're a good couple, OK? Quit goofing around! Didn't you hear about the boy who cried wolf and eventually no one believed him anymore? Do you even like wolves?

I think I've made my point.

Cut it out and stay together otherwise don't say anything until you're really really dunzo,
alison.

Faux-to shopped

There's been a ton of photoshopt backlash lately. Stars like Kim Kardashian and Kate Winslet have come out against magazines that make them look slimmer and smoother (aka creepier an alien like). I just read an article about it on allure.com (yes this is how I spend my time) and in celebration of non cyborg images, they linked to a site that has the craziest photos totally un photoshopped. Prepare to be amazed. (my fav is the girl on the sky).

Perez and I agree...WTF?

If Justin Bobby was mad about Audrina sleeping in Brody's bed, he's gonna be pissed she was out with Captain Kirk. Where the hell did this come from?

Going out with a bang

In case you missed this season's SNL finale hosted by Will Ferrell, let me give you a run-down of who else you missed:
Amy Poehler
Maya Rudolph
Norm McDonald
Tom Hanks
Anne Hathaway
Paul Rudd


Yeah, it was pretty sweet.
And yes, they did Celebrity Jeopardy. "Catch these men."

These are the REAL housewives

Though few of them are wives and pretty much none of them are housewives, these are the real deal people.  

I have been watching and loving Bravo's Real Housewives of specific location since the start of RHO Orange County. I was a little skeptical when they started RHO New York City but somehow it is even better than Orange County.  I gotta admit I didn't love RHO Atlanta (I still enjoyed it though) and now they are starting RHO New Jersey, which I think I am going to feel about the same as Atlanta.  I am pretty sure the vast majority of women on the NJ show are actively in the mob.  

Anywho- I am catching up on the DVR and having the best night in trying to catch up with 6 hours of RHO NYC.  These ladies are AMAZING.  I like them the best because they love you or hate you on a minute by minute basis and let you know.  By you I of course don't mean YOU, buy you get it.  There are 6 women followed on the show- one is a snarky celeb chef I love, a super-Jew NYC lady and her gay husband, a bug-eyed lady who likes to talk about how unclassy some people are, a Countess who is now in the process of a divorce but has made it clear she will keep her title, a very odd woman who will only go shopping with her husband there to sit on a couch and pick out her clothes, and this new bitch.  Really.  She happens to be the ex-wife and baby mama of Gilles Bensimon who I remember as a photographer from many an episode of Tyra Banks Teaches 11 skinny girls and 1 "plus size"girl how to smile with their eyes.  His ex, Kelly, is a serious bitch and I am not enjoying her presence on this otherwise remarkable show.  

I clearly have nothing to say about the show except that I love it and am having the best night watching it for hours.  I can't wait to have my gay husband redecorate my upper east side condo for the 7th time, bank rolled by my actual husband, while I chill in the Hamptons for the summer.  That's going to be pretty sweet.  

Another piece of the puzzle falls into place...

Thumbs up to Traci for bringing this good news to my attention, thus to yours.

Oh, and if you want to throw up in your mouth a little read the sidebar article of how Kristin is going to "bring the drama" in L.A. Pass-o-la.

I still love Mr. Jai best.

Yeah, yeah, so I said I was dunzo with new ANTM cycles after Sa-leash-ah and Whitney landed undeserving and obviously pre-planned wins, but I admit I have caught a few of the episodes from the Mckey cycle on the Oxygen network and I did pop over to the end of tonight's finale to see if Alison won (of course she didn't) (though really I've only seene enough to know that I would have wanted her to win for her unique face and lovely name). From what I can tell Tyra is starting to go off the deep end in terms of acting like a total goof off. In an interesting turn of events, former super model turned panel judge Paulina Porizkova is apparently a panel judge no more, as she is stating that she was fired on her birthday. If that's not a reason to frown with your eyes I don't know what else is.

It speaks for itself.

You're crazy and good luck!

Questions I am left with after this week's The Hills.
1. Hey, Audrina, did someone tell you somewhere along the line that you look good in that hat you're rocking? (Cause you look stupid.)
2. Was Stephanie Pratt dropped on her head repeatedly as a child?
3. Why did Stacey have Heidi's cellie number thus allowing her to send her a text that led to perhaps one of the greatest confrontations in Hills history? (Dudes at the bar sure seemed to be havin a good time!)
4. Why does Justin look so puzzled so much of the time when people are trying to inform what a d-bag he is?
5. Um, hello--Where was Sleazy T?

Lost: The Bad, The Good, and The My Head Hurts

The Bad: Well, anyone who watches this life ruining show and has met me knows that I was openly weeping the minute Juliette started to get sucked into the magnetic void. I've mostly come to terms with the fact that the writers of this show are sadistic bastards but that scene was just awful. In terms of gut-wrenchingness I would rate it up with Charlie's death. My only solace was that she at least got in a "Live together, die alone" before she died. Oh, except she didn't die, she just survived a horrendous fall only to land by the undetonated H Bomb so she could beat it with a rock.

The Good: My favorite part was the triumphant albeit far too brief return of Vincent the Dog and Bernard and Rose. Leave it to Rose to steal the show with her patented dry humor in her response to the question What are you doing here? with "We're retired." Actually the explanation that followed it made pretty good sense. I mean, if you're older, and you beat cancer by surviving a plane crash after which all hell broke loose and then you time warped and flaming arrows flew everywhere and you eventually get the chance to just chillax on the beach with your true love and an awesome dog after all of that shiz went down, go for it.

The My Head Hurts: Oh, hey, a large box, what's in the box? What's in the large box you're carrying around, crazy people who ask what lies in the shadow of the statue? On second thought, I changed my mind, I don't want to kn--oh, of course! OF COURSE it's the dead body of the person who's also alive inside the foot of the statue that the shadow lies in front of! It all makes sense now!

F***ing Lost.



Side note to Alli: Mick made the excellent suggestion you relocate here for the final season.

The Front Row

I am watching American Idol this season for the first time since season 1 (maybe 2...).  Anywho- I always like to see who is sitting in the front row.  I am watching last night's episode and loved the line up in the front row: Kim Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, Kris Kardashian and Audrina Patridge.  Whaaa? 

Jillian Barberie had to sit in the second row.  Ouch. 

They've gone and done it again

Watch some more here.

Really?

Honestly! How many 20 something "famous" vaginas do we need to see before all of us get the point that in this modern day we all (especially the famous ones) need to stop taking nude photos or stop getting annoyed when the leak? (Rihanna is at the top and if you scroll down awhile Cassie is there too) (The site is a dirty site fyi)

XOXO

I love Target. Frankly, who doesn't? They just announced today that Anna Sui is going to be one of the next designers for their affordable cothing line and her inspiration is none other than Gossip Girl! Three things i love all in one...I take that back, four things i love:
1) Anna Sui
2)Target
3) Gossip Girl
4)Cute cheap ass gear

September 13th is already marked on my calendar.

xoxo
eyeshadow

Top 5 Hills Moments Tonite

1. Stephanie uses big words correctly--"Deliberately, maliciously", then follows them up with "skankily".
2. Jayde chugging Jaggermeister. Twice.
3. Spencer tells the therapist he's been expressing his feelings a lot, and she says that's great, just like I told you, it may seem "ad nauseum" at first, to which he replies he has been, and Heidi replies "And I'm nauseous."
4. SLEAZY T!
5. The previews for next week. Kelly putting the smack down on Lauren to put the smack down on Stephanie! Heidi calling The Bartender a slut! The Bartender responding once again with "Good luck"! (And, of course, hopefully some more flashes of Sleazy T.)

OMG and WTF and BCF (big cothing fai)

I love the MET costume gala fashions every year and I usually love whatever weird get up Rihanna wears but seriously, I don't get it.

But why? WHY are you damaged?

OK, I missed the live finale of this season for Making the Band and read about what happened on-line. I was looking for a re-run on MTV but instead found The Rise and Fall of Danity Kane. A ha! Finally, our chance to find out what REALLY happened!

So, yeah, they start from the beginning, forming the band, LoriAnn boom-cat, boom-boom catting all over the place (I still recall an episode when she told the girls to "boom cat for your life!"), Aundrea and Aubrey used to be BFF's. Then after the first record it was all about Aubrey hangin' with D. Woods and Aundrea with Shannon and Dawn with Q from Day 26. The showed some unseen footage that was OK and talked about all the rumors that were always going around (like apparently there was once a rumor Aubrey was leaving the group to join the Pussycat Dolls, maybe because they're as skanky as she is I'm guessing). OK, yadda yadda, Diddy kicks Aubrey and D. Woods out, Shannon doesn't come back for the next season, Aundrea is then dismissed.

So THEN they show the parts of the live finale and D. Woods and Aubrey are all running their mouths, whatev. Then Sway asks if there's any hope for a reunion, and Aubrey says sure, eventually, Shannon seconds that, then D. Woods goes on for like a minute about absolutely nothing and Sway cuts in to say "So that's a no from D. Woods," then Diddy says they only way it would happen is with all the original members. Then the show voice over comes on and announces that means no reunion! Um...OK.

I know what you're thinking--hey, when are you going to tell us why they broke up? Well, people, I can't tell you because I don't know! They don't say! At one point they show Dawn talking to Q and saying everyone acts like they know why we broke up but they don't really know, but Q knows cause she told him once. Hey! Tell ME! Q, Dawn--SOMEBODY!

Let me tell you the show ends in a nutshell. The narrator bascially tells us what we know, which is that we don't know, and some say that it was Aubrey's fault...some say Aundrea's...some say D. Woods...still others, Dawn. But one things for sure--no one blames Shannon! Then it cuts to Diddy telling Shannon it was a pleasure to work with her, and she smiles and nods. And...that's it!
Thanks, MTV. Thanks once again for nothing.

I blame D. Woods. I never liked her.

Rocket! I'm taking a rocket!

So I was hanging with That Girl this morning and I had the theme song to "Astronaut Jones" stuck in my head, except I couldn't think of the words. So then of course I tried to YouTube it and damned if I could find any of the skits! But I did find this, which reminded me what all the words were, and frankly these boys look like they'd be fun to hang out with (PS if you would like the actual version, they're re-running the episode he hosted tonite, and oh yes Brian Fellows is on).

Low level genius under the radar...

Alli: "Kelis and Nas are donezo."

Alison: "Proving once again that matching grills ain't proof of true love."





R.I.P.

Trailer Park Girls

To celebrate the weekend, here are some magical previews for you viewing pleasure featuring two of our favorite girls. Thanks to Ms. Puffer for 500 Days.