Thursday, December 25, 2008

2008, don't hate

Well, the end of the year is upon us, which means everyone is doing their year in review. Year in review of music! Year in review of movies! Person of the year! Funniest commercials of the year! (I'm pretty sure Kevin Nealon made a deal with the devil to land this gig.) Top ten this! Horrible that! Well, now that we have a blog, best believe I'm going to weigh in too. And I'm going to do it the best way I know how. And so, without further ado, I give you...

10 Things I learned from The Hills this year!
1. If you want less airtime on your own show, surround yourself with idiots who will fill the 30 minutes for you.
2. When you get tired of being unwed, take your intended to a foreign country and pump them full of said country's signature hard liquor.
3. If you're someone's sister and you want your time on air to make you look good, have lots of colorful tattoos and master the art of giving advice purely through your facial expressions. Otherwise your segments just come off as killing time, thus negating the meaningfullness of your one shining moment in the very last episode of the season.
4. Boys like to insist girls are always getting in each other's ears, but get them in a hot tub with baseball caps and watch the gossip fly!
5. Even the douchiest of douchebags still loves His Nana.
6. If things get too awkward while trying to have a conversation with your best frenemy, ask if they've been working out during a lull. If they deny this, continue to insist that they have.
7. When you're trying to say something simple, instead make it as flowery and rambling as possible and try to make yourself sound really philosophical while all the while your on again/off again significant other falls for every bullshiz word of it. And while you're at it, wear overalls.
8. Where's your black? Everyone else is wearing their black!
9. If your boss makes it clear that he thinks your significant other is an asshole, don't expect a wedding gift when you announce your Secret Mexican Marriage.
10. When you realize you're surrounded by vapid idiots (except for the one other non-idiot who is busy not getting air-time on her own show), get yourself a new job and a hottie foreign rocker on the other side of the country. Somebody has to get the glory in between seasons!

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