For old time's sake

Just because I finally have a bf of my very own to torture endlessly (which, believe me, I do) I'm still not really feelin' Old Saint Valentine. So in keeping with an old college tradition, I've once again crafted...Top Ten Ways to Celebrate Valentine's Day.

1. Track down your English teacher from school and demand to know who has the whole “Romeo and Juliet” story right, Taylor Swift or this Shakespeare character.
2. Take a date to see Benjamin Button and demand your money back halfway through, insisting that the film rolls were obviously put together wrong because why would Brad Pitt be old then young?
3. Wear a wig on a date and convince your friends to follow you with cameras posing as the paparazzi; dramatically pull your wig off when they keep snapping pics and say it’s so hard to lead a double life as an international pop star AND a regular everyday high school kid.
4. See how many jewelry stores you can get kicked out of for loudly singing “If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it.”
5. Send Jonas Brothers valentines to your crush. Literally the entire box. All individually addressed.
6. Ask drugstore employees if the cherry chapstick they carry really tastes like kissing a girl and if so, will you like? Will your boyfriend mind?
7. Insist on dragging your date into an adult bookstore to see if they have a copy of the final porno Zack and Miri made.
8. Take your date to a Mexican restaurant and feed them endless shots of Petron while trying to convince them to have a Secret Mexican Wedding followed by a Secret Mexican Marriage.
9. If your date isn’t going well and you would prefer it to just end, start singing “Womanizer.” If you’re anything like me--which for your own good you’re hopefully not--once you start repeating the word you won’t be able to stop. Date’s over!
10. It made a successful book, it’s making good money at the box office--if all else fails and you are you own date, don’t wallow because now is the time to cash in on the cash cow: start writing “He’s Just Not That Into You--The Musical.”